IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t. Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion.

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Nowadays, they say schoolers can be inspired by athletes as good role models. Adversely, some argue that there is nothing to do with athletes as individuals. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both these points of view and give my own opinions. On the
one
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 hand, being a professional athlete is not literally
sports
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 player, it would be a motivation for
one
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.
Firstly
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, Children should be trained or be encouraged to play different
sports
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 at school or in their curriculums, in order to ensure their well-being and to stay sanity during their study days.
For instance
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, a football player in Viet Nam was trained by his father in very basic skills for years.
One
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 day, he could be able to perform in
such
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 a big competition for the country and get a championship reward. Even, though he was trained at a basic but it became his consistency and discipline.
On the other hand
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, playing
sports
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 is
one
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 of the best ways to gain fitness as was mentioned in the first paragraph.
For example
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,
according to
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 the experiment when kids spend their time in a particular activity they are fond of they would do it effortively pro.
In addition
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, They will study or do their tasks at school greater than kids facing the scenes for crime games, because they will imitate the same action on the platform.
Thus
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,
this
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 view can be taken as a motivation from students to their peers, and
also
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 parents are the lead to guide children.
To conclude
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, so teachers and parents should be their guide not only in learning but playing
sports
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 to give them balanced health, especially their immune systems.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to clarify your arguments and make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is well-developed.
task achievement
Strengthen your introduction and conclusion by clearly stating your position or opinion on the topic.
task achievement
Use more specific and varied examples to support your points and make your argument more convincing.
positive
You provided a clear discussion of both views, which is essential for this type of essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • exemplify
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • humble beginnings
  • motivate
  • inspire
  • teamwork
  • sportsmanship
  • negative behavior
  • drug abuse
  • unlawful activities
  • sensationalizes
  • unrealistic
  • unattainable standards
  • material success
  • skewed value system
  • high visibility
  • magnifies
  • faults
  • misleading
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