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Writing Samples /
Band 5

The natural resources such as oil, forests, and fresh water are being consumed at an alarming rate. What problems does it cause? How can we solve this problems ?

#resources #oil #forests #water #rate
Nowadays,the world is facing natural problems.The main
problem
 is scarcity of natural
resources
 including oil,forest,and fresh water.Solutions to solve
this
problem
 require a multi-organization approach, which will be described later in the following paragraphs.
To begin
 with,The main causes of the
problem
 are the advancement of technology and the increasing population. During the
last
 two decades,new electrical devices have been widely used
such
 as mobile phones,computers and
including
Change preposition
apply
show examples
artificial intelligence that recently became available.The development of technology utilizes a lot of energy. These days,most of the energy sources are from natural
resources
,requiring deforestation and extraction of oil.
Additionally
,population numbers are growing at a rapid rate since the mortality rate is lower than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past
due to
 the progression in medical treatment.These result in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 lack of
resources
,especially in undeveloped countries.Some people lack
accessibility
Replace the word
access
show examples
 to
resources
,even fresh water.
This
 means consumption is limited to privileged populations. To tackle
this
 complex
problem
,
Multi-Organization
Correct article usage
a Multi-Organization
show examples
 approach is essential.
Firstly
,the government have to legislate.
The deforestation
Correct article usage
Deforestation
show examples
 has to be limited by establishing sanctuary in order to protect wildlife species and remaining forest areas.
Moreover
,alternative energies have to be promoted
such
 as electric vehicles,biodiesel and solar energy.Improving public transportation in order to cover all the essential areas,resulting in reducing the emissions of carbon dioxide from vehicles.In individual terms,people should raise awareness of
this
problem
.Recycling the reusable trash of households.Avoid
utility
Correct article usage
the utility
show examples
 of vehicles when there is no necessity,
for example
 in short distances. Natural resource scarcity is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 major
problem
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the world these days.People should be more aware of the causes and consequences of
this
problem
.Collaboration between governments and the private sector in order to solve
this
 issue.
Submitted by chawanat.pla on

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task achievement
The essay adequately addresses the prompt by identifying the problems caused by the depletion of natural resources and suggesting possible solutions. However, the response could be improved by providing more specific examples and details to support the main points. For instance, citing specific statistics or real-world case studies would strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical structure to the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the flow of ideas could be improved. Transitions between sentences and paragraphs should be smoother to enhance readability. Additionally, some sentences are a bit fragmented and could be conjoined for better fluidity.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but could be more engaging. The introduction should clearly define the scope of the essay and capture the reader's interest. The conclusion should restate the main points more coherently and offer a final thought or call to action.
coherence cohesion
Avoid minor grammatical and syntactical errors to enhance clarity. For example, 'the government have to legislate' should be corrected to 'the government has to legislate'. Attention to such details will improve the overall readability of the essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses a pertinent global issue and makes a commendable effort to propose multiple solutions to the problem. This demonstrates a good understanding of the complexity of the topic.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear attempt to structure the essay logically, with separated paragraphs for the problem, causes, and solutions. This contributes to the overall clarity.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • non-renewable resources
  • economic instability
  • water shortages
  • agricultural production
  • deforestation
  • biodiversity
  • climate change
  • pollution
  • global warming
  • sustainable management
  • conservation
  • alternative energy
  • afforestation
  • reforestation
  • water conservation
  • responsible consumption
What to do next:
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