IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Individual greed and selfishness have been the basis of modern society. Some people think that we must return to older more traditional values such as respect for the elderly people and the local community in order to create a better world to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Modern society has been built upon human greed and selfishness. It is thought that reviving the conventional values of respecting the older generations and the local society is the key to
build
Wrong verb form
building
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 a better
world
Use synonyms
. I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, as the proposed changes allow us to maintain stability in the community and enhance the well-being of citizens. Implementing a traditional lifestyle, in which people respect
the
Correct article usage
apply
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elderly people and the community, can result in acquiring stability.
Moreover
Linking Words
, not only do individuals begin appreciating the true blessings around them
such
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 as family, friendship and relationships with other humans, but they
also
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 refrain
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
from committing both minor and harsh crimes. The reduction in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crime can be attributed to no more necessity to surpass others and behave in greedy and selfish ways.
For example
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,
ststistics
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statistics
 provided by Harvard University show that regions around the
world
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 where inhabitants pay attention to their traditional
value
Fix the agreement mistake
values
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 have a tendency to illustrate 67% more stability in the area in terms of both safety and lifestyle.
In addition
Linking Words
, keeping the conventional way of life offers to enhance the welfare of individuals. By learning to be respectful, they obtain the ability to share and accomplish aims
collaborately
Correct your spelling
collaboratively
collaborate
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the society, in which humans stand for each other and contribute to the development of the whole surrounding, tends to be found at the high ranks.
For instance
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, Japan is considered to be one of the most developed countries in the
world
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. The prime reason for
that is
Linking Words
 following their traditional beliefs. In conclusion, the fast-moving
world
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 has its following implications
such
Linking Words
 as the stingy and self-centred behaviours of humans. The implementation of the
ancient's
Change noun form
ancient
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 way of life respecting the elderly
human-beings
Correct your spelling
human beings
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 and the surrounding environment is
comsidered
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considered
 to be the key to
create
Wrong verb form
creating
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 a better
world
Use synonyms
. I support the suggested idea as it results in maintaining a stable circle of population and improves the well-being of the public.

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Coherence and Cohesion
It would be beneficial to provide a clearer connection between your ideas and the main argument. Ensure that each paragraph flows logically into the next to strengthen the overall coherence.
Task Achievement
Make sure to use precise language to express your ideas clearly. There are some minor inaccuracies in word choices that might confuse the reader.
Task Achievement
Try to add more specific examples or additional context to support your arguments. This will enhance your points and make your argument stronger.
Task Achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position and sets the stage for your arguments, which is a strong start.
Task Achievement
You provide example data from Harvard University, which helps to support your arguments and adds credibility to your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes your main points effectively and reiterates your position, which is important for a strong ending.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • modern society
  • traditional values
  • familial bonds
  • community ties
  • collective well-being
  • individual gain
  • responsibility
  • care for others
  • neglect
  • isolation
  • honesty
  • respect
  • cooperation
  • individual greed
  • ethical conduct
  • social cohesion
  • crime rates
  • mental health
  • general happiness
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