IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today more and more people are overweight than before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this. What are main affects of this epidemic.

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The overweight has been playing a significant role in people's life. Today The percentage of fat in society increased
sharp
Change the word
sharply
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. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I am going to discuss
this
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 matter. On the one hand , the man who jer reason of overweight is
a junk food
Remove the article
junk food
a portion of junk food
show examples
. To explain , today, a
number
Use synonyms
 of mothers work and students who
studied
Wrong verb form
study
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 abroad depend on restaurants
for
Change preposition
to
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prepare
Change the form of the verb
preparing
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 meals because they do not have enough time to cook,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
Change preposition
in a
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 proportion of overweight in
community
Correct article usage
the community
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 .
For example
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, the percentage of individuals who
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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gain weight
due to
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 junk food is around 56 % . In
additionaly
Correct your spelling
addition
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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sport is
a
Correct article usage
the
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 second reason of overweight.
Whereas
Linking Words
,
a
Change the article
an
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 enormous
number
Use synonyms
 of people are abanding to do sport because they spend a long time with smart
a
Correct article usage
apply
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devices.
thus
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 , fast
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
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 and lacking sport are the main
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
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 of overweight.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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bad
healthy
Replace the word
health
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 is the major effect of
obesity
Use synonyms
. To clarify , recently,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
researchers noticed ,
a
Remove the article
apply
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obesity
Use synonyms
 which relates to a
number
Use synonyms
 of chronic
disease
Change to a plural noun
diseases
show examples
 in future ,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 means people who gain weight are
much
Correct word choice
likely
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 to suffer
dengour
Correct your spelling
dengue
 diseases
such
Linking Words
 as
blood
Correct word choice
high blood
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 pressure and diabetes.
For instance
Linking Words
,
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
Last
Linking Words
 statistics the proportion of
sitizens
Correct your spelling
citizens
 who
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 suffering
diabetes
Change preposition
from diabetes
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 weight
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
is about 78 %.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the main effect of
obesity
Use synonyms
 is a suffer chronic disease. In conclusion, I strongly believe there are a
number
Use synonyms
 reasons of overweight are fast food and reduced sports.
However
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
chronic disease is the first effect of
obesity
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Ensure you clearly introduce the main points you will discuss in the introduction to guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure all your paragraphs begin with a clear topic sentence to help with the logical flow of ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Check for grammatical errors and punctuation to improve the clarity of your writing.
task achievement
Expand on your examples to provide more context and clarity, making your argument stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with word choice and phrasing, e.g., 'fast food' instead of 'junk food,' which is more precise in this context.
task achievement
You have correctly identified some primary causes and effects of obesity, which is relevant to the task.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is essential for coherence.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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