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Band 7

In some countries, there has been an increase in the number of parents who educate their children themselves at home instead of sending them to school. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

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In some countries, a growing number of parents are choosing to educate their
children
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 at home rather than sending them to school.
While
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 homeschooling offers a flexible learning environment, I believe it presents significant drawbacks in both social and intellectual development.
To begin
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 with, traditional schools function as a microcosm of society, helping
children
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 cultivate essential social skills, develop healthy competition, and learn the value of cooperation. Interacting with peers is crucial for fostering communication abilities, encouraging self-reflection, and managing emotions effectively. Without regular engagement with
children
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 of the same age, homeschooled students may struggle with teamwork and adaptability, which are fundamental for future academic and career success.
For instance
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, those who have never faced competition in a structured setting may find it difficult to handle pressure later in life, potentially leading to emotional distress or anxiety in professional environments.
Furthermore
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, schools provide structured learning and access to professionally trained educators who cater to students' cognitive and intellectual development. Unlike parents, teachers undergo rigorous training to ensure that students receive a well-rounded education and emotional support. Proponents of homeschooling argue that it allows
children
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 to receive more individualized attention and pursue personal interests.
However
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, in my view, supplementary tutoring and online resources can achieve the same benefits without compromising opportunities for social interaction and collaborative learning. In conclusion, despite its flexibility, homeschooling cannot replace the diverse learning experiences that schools offer. The absence of peer interaction and professional guidance may hinder
children
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's social, emotional, and academic growth, making traditional schooling a far superior option.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or case studies to strengthen your arguments further, especially in support of your points about social skills and competition.
task achievement
Ensure that all main points are supported with evidence or examples, as this will enhance the persuasiveness of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
While your essay flows well, you can improve transitions between some points to make relationships clearer, particularly when moving from social to intellectual arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Diversify your sentence structures a bit more to enhance the reading experience and maintain engagement.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and your stance, setting a strong foundation for your essay.
task achievement
You effectively outline the importance of social skills in traditional schooling, providing a compelling argument.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion summarizes your main arguments effectively, reinforcing your position on the issue.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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