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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today more and more people are overweight than before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this. What are main affects of this epidemic.

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At present, gaining
weight
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 has become a major issue in the developed states as
people
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 gravitate towards static lifestyles and quick recipes. There are innumerable reasons behind
this
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 but the major
cause
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 that needs to be noted is a lazy living style.
This
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 impacts
people
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's health and makes individuals prone to major diseases like diabetes and heart problems. The top-notch
cause
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 of gaining
weight
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 is a long time sitting and having less or no physical movement , as
this
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 has become the need of the hour for lucrative jobs. In the contemporary world,
people
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 work from home.
Whereas
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 in the past, workers would go to work by walking or using public transport.
For instance
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, after COVID-19, the United Kingdom and other developed countries started online courses, which has led to a lazy lifestyle. The second evident
cause
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 of
obesity
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 is processed or fast
food
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. The younger generation loves to eat frozen items, pizza and burgers. A considerable number of
people
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 have busy lives, and they prefer to eat out, which has detrimental side effects as ready-made
food
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 companies use some ingredients that put
people
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's health at risk. Meanwhile, fast
food
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 has increased levels of oil and fat content.
As a result
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, individuals easily gain
weight
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. There are myriad rationales behind
this
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 situation. The first and foremost factor is a sedentary lifestyle, as
people
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 have desk jobs, and
as a result
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, they need to sit for work for a long period of time.
In addition
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,
this
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 mitigates physical activity and increases mental stress.
Due to
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this
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,
people
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 gain extra
weight
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 and become obese.
Obesity
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 is the
cause
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 of major diseases;
for example
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,
due to
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 extra
weight
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, individuals have heart problems,
such
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 as high blood pressure, which can lead to a heart attack.
Moreover
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, diabetes is the second major problem that occurs
due to
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 being overweight and
due to
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 high blood sugar levels, other body organs are affected, and diabetic patients are at a higher risk of kidney failure.
However
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, to address
this
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 issue and mitigate its effects, it is crucial for everyone to know about the importance of physical activity and exercise,
as well as
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 the aftermaths of
obesity
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. It is the responsibility of police makers to inform the companies to write every content on processed
food
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 and calorie intake.
while
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 educating
people
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 through short sessions, like seminars.
To conclude
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,
obesity
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 has become a worrying issue in many countries
due to
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 lifestyle changes and laziness.
Whereas
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, its aftermaths are hard to ignore as it leads to life-threatening diseases. It can be reduced through proper knowledge and awareness of healthy living and clean eating.

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task achievement
Consider developing your supporting points further with more specific examples or data to enhance the depth of your argument.
coherence
Make sure to clearly relate the various sections of your essay to your primary thesis for improved cohesion. Reiterating your main point in connection to each section can help with this.
coherence
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and phrasing to improve the overall clarity and professionalism of your writing.
introduction
You provided a strong introduction that clearly sets the stage for the discussion, outlining the main issues at hand.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the key points and reiterates the importance of the issue, making a strong closing statement.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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