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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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In
this
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 day and age, schools are very competitive because all young people want to apply to Universities or to the best jobs.
For
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this
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 reason, those
students
Use synonyms
 need to give their best in their college.
Therefore
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, now, people believe that could have a negative impact on kid's lives and others think competition is good for developing skills and character.
This
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 essay agrees with the
last
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 statement and in the following paragraphs discusses these two points of view.
Firstly
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. adolescents want to study at universities because they have the dream of becoming professionals.
Consequently
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, schools need to prepare their
students
Use synonyms
 and encourage them to reach their dreams.
As a result
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, the secondary school environment becomes more competitive.
For instance
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, in Chile, we have a national test to select
students
Use synonyms
 who want to apply to University and if someone asks these adolescents about the difficulty of
this
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 process, maybe they are going to describe the stressful preparation and how
this
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 develops concentration and responsibility skills.
On the other hand
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, some secondary
students
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 do not have
a
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apply
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support with them in moments of stress or
difficult
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difficulty
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 at school. Eventually,
this
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 could have a negative impact on their life.
This
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 means, that when a teenager does not have an understanding
parents
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of parents
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 or family
with
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apply
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her
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apply
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or
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apply
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him
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apply
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all that stress starts to cause problems and mental illness.
For instance
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, Chilean society knows a lot of cases in which
that
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apply
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kids killed themself for depression or stress at school. Things like
this
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 make us think about the importance of our role as parents or teachers with those young people. In conclusion, our scholar system must be competitive to develop professional skills and teach
to
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apply
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children how adult life is.
Consequently
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, that only going to happen if our kids have a strong and positive relationship with their parents and teachers, who are responsible for the well-being of their kids.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction, as this helps the reader understand your stance from the beginning.
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure that each paragraph logically flows into the next, with clear transitions that link ideas together.
coherence and cohesion
Use a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance the overall language quality, which will add to the richness of your arguments.
task achievement
You provide a balanced discussion that acknowledges both views, showing a good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Your examples from Chilean society are relevant and help illustrate your points effectively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • undue stress
  • academic achievement
  • critical thinking
  • interpersonal skills
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • social isolation
  • bullying
  • reduced collaboration
  • motivation
  • achieve their goals
  • resilience
  • perseverance
  • innovation
  • improvement
  • outperform
  • higher standards
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