IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. why is this the case? do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Recently, most of the parents allow their
kids
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 to using mobile
phone
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 every
time
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. I completely see
this
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 situation is negative.
This
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 essay will examine the case use
phone
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 every day for children and present my opinion.
To begin
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 with the case, screen is affect on
kids
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 from: physical, mentality and behaviorism •
Firstly
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, makes the
child
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 less active because there is no movement.
For example
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: There is studies about that for
kids
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 who speanding more
time
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 on screen around 90% they will feeling hard to Studing.
Secondly
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, the mental health of
child
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 will be limeted espachily in speech and whill be no relationship with people.
Finally
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, change
kids
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 behafer from frindly to aggressive. Every
time
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 they will feel unhappy in the life and change their mood.
Conversely
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, I belive
that is
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 negative effected because the
child
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 not able to do
time
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 mangment for using
phone
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 and the whill effected from different sides.
To begin
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 with, using smart
phone
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 affected on the eyes ofter long
time
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.
Secondly
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, Scraeen make
kids
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 lose their appetite. For instens : there is studies from SQU 85% of children who losing eating food because of the
phone
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.
Moreover
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, change in
child
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 behavior and maby learn unethical behavior from the smart
phone
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. In conclusion, there are version reason to affected on
kids
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 because using mobil
phone
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 like mood, body and behaviore.
Moreover
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, screen is negative way to affected on
child
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 from: food, eyes and unethical. In my opinion I see better to replaced
phone
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 by outdoor activites.

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language
Ensure grammatical accuracy and proper sentence structure. For example, phrases like 'allow their kids to using mobile phone' should be corrected to 'allow their kids to use mobile phones.'
content
Expand on your ideas with clearer explanations and examples. Some points, such as 'a child not being able to do time management for using the phone,' need further elaboration.
coherence
Make sure to clearly link your ideas to improve coherence. For instance, transitions between paragraphs can enhance the flow of your argument.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion on the impact of smartphone use on children, which is a positive aspect of the task response.
content
The essay attempts to discuss multiple effects of smartphone usage, showing an understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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