IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that Government should take measures to improve the health of its citizens. Others think it must be managed by individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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One of the social concerns today relates to
health
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.
While
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 it is widely believed that the
government
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 should take measures to improve the well-being of its citizens, others believe it must be managed by individuals.In my opinion,I think individuals should follow
health
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 rules to live a healthy life.
Government
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 can play a vital role in solving their citizens'
health
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 problems.
Moreover
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,the
government
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 can arrange more budget for the
health
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 sector because residents pay enough tax to the
government
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.
In addition
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,more and more awareness programs can be launched and
health
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 education can be arranged by the
government
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 to aware
people
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 of
health
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.
For example
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,in COVID-19 a lot of awareness programs were launched by the
government
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 which was really essential for
people
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.
Otherwise
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,the death ratio could be bigger than what we saw at that time and
that is
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 why we can thank our
government
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.
On the other hand
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, it is strongly believed by others that it must be managed by individuals. The Public often have
this
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 opinion because
this
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 is an of course thing. A second point is that politics have many problems to solve so that they can forget us. A particularly good example here is North Korea. Its president tends to war, nuclear, money or something like that and he doesn’t know the presence of his inhabitants and he doesn’t care about
people
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. In conclusion,responsible officials should be aware of
people
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 regularly and citizens must attend
health
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 programs and maintain their life
according to
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 the
health
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 safety rules.
Otherwise
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,
government
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 can not help us to live a healthy life.

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coherence cohesion
To improve your score in coherence and cohesion, ensure that your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, well-structured paragraphs, and a succinct conclusion. Use cohesive devices effectively to connect ideas across the essay and within paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your introduction clearly paraphrases the question and outlines the points you will discuss. Your conclusion should summarise the main points and restate your opinion.
task achievement
Develop each main point with specific examples and explanations to provide a stronger argument and increase the relevancy of your responses. Avoid general statements.
task achievement
Your response should cover all parts of the task equally and provide a balanced discussion of both views, with a clear opinion stated and supported throughout the essay.
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