IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that many young people do not play sports because they are afraid of losing . Therefore , sport competitions should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

6.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
In recent years, the topic of banning
sports
Use synonyms
competitions
Use synonyms
 has emerged as a significant concern for the general public.
While
Linking Words
 some individuals contend that
sports
Use synonyms
competitions
Use synonyms
 should be prohibited simply because many young people are afraid of losing. I maintain that engaging in
sports
Use synonyms
 offers a multitude of benefits that extend far beyond mere competition and plays a pivotal role in improving the young generation's physical and mental well-being.
This
Linking Words
 essay will elucidate these differing perspectives.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, it is essential to acknowledge the significant advantages associated with engaging in competitive
sports
Use synonyms
. A crucial consideration is that
sports
Use synonyms
 can improve their well-being and strengthen their stamina, which highlights that regular participation in physical activities helps them maintain good physical health and have a healthier lifestyle.
For example
Linking Words
, it is noteworthy that teenagers who regularly take part in
sports
Use synonyms
competitions
Use synonyms
 tend to have better physical fitness and build endurance.
In addition
Linking Words
, another important point to emphasise is that losing a game or match is an inevitable part of competitive
sports
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that experiencing failure can help youngsters build character and emotional strength.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is crucial to consider the opposing viewpoint that
sports
Use synonyms
competitions
Use synonyms
 shouldn't be banned because they provide young individuals with valuable life skills. A significant factor to explore is that
sports
Use synonyms
competitions
Use synonyms
 foster teamwork, which underscores that by working together towards a common objective, young athletes learn the importance of collaboration and mutual support. To illustrate
this
Linking Words
 perspective, one might refer to young athletes engaging in team
sports
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as football, basketball and volleyball.
This
Linking Words
Linking Words
this
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
is
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that it is a great way to enhance teamwork and collaboration.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it is essential to highlight that
sports
Use synonyms
competitions
Use synonyms
 can help young people develop discipline and social skills.
This
Linking Words
 assertion is supported by the fact that the discipline required to train and improve in
sports
Use synonyms
 can
also
Linking Words
 be applied to academic pursuits or future careers,
while
Linking Words
 taking part in
sports
Use synonyms
competitions
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 allows youngsters to expand their social networks or develop personal development.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the fear of losing may discourage some young people from participating in
sports
Use synonyms
. I firmly believe that
sports
Use synonyms
competitions
Use synonyms
 shouldn't be banned.
Instead
Linking Words
, we should focus on creating a supportive environment where young athletes can learn to cope with failure , develop essential life skills, and maintain a healthy and active lifestyle.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I firmly oppose the idea of banning
sports
Use synonyms
competitions
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
State your view more directly in the first paragraph. Say that you disagree with a ban, then give the two main reasons: sport helps health and teaches young people how to deal with loss.
task response
Talk more about the other side. Explain why some young people fear losing, such as stress, shame, or too much pressure from parents and schools. Then show why a ban is not the best answer.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For instance, describe a school team where a child loses a match, gets help from a coach, and later feels more sure of themselves.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. However, the second body part does not really give the other view; it gives more reasons against a ban. Make each body part have a clear job.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same long phrases, such as “it is essential to” and “this is due to the fact that”. Use short links like “Also”, “For example”, “However”, and “As a result”.
coherence and cohesion
Check small errors that can break the flow, such as “This this is”, extra spaces, and full stops after dependent parts like “because many young people are afraid of losing.”
task response
You give a clear opinion against banning sport events and keep this view from the start to the end.
task response
Your main ideas are on topic: health, strength, teamwork, discipline, social skills, and learning from failure.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has a clear opening, body paragraphs, and a final statement of your view.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful examples of team sports, such as football, basketball, and volleyball, to support your point about working together.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: