IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think young people should be required to have full time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Zhazira.

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Education
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 plays an essential role in the future. Some
people
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 argue that young
people
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 should be required to have a full-time
education
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 until they turn 18. I strongly agree with
this
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 view because it develops personal growth and provides better career opportunities. One of the key benefits of staying in
education
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 until 18 is developing oneself
while
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 younger; when we have a lot of time at school, we can focus on growing inside and outside to prepare for adulthood. We can boost our
education
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further
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 and gain knowledge, work with teams, have strong discipline, and spend time with close
people
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.
For example
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, in Kazakhstan, currently, all teenagers around 17-18 years of age are seriously preparing for exams before moving to another city, and they try to spend more time with their families. One of the essential advantages of
havin
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having
havin'
 a full-time
education
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 before turning 18 is gaining knowledge and boosting one's career opportunities during school. Nowadays, to apply for a job or university, they require a diploma or other documents to prove your knowledge.
Therefore
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, we must fully devote our attention to
education
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.
For instance
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, in many countries to study at prestigious or standard
universities
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universities,
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 you must have good grades or participate in other activities,
such
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 as making
proect
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projects
 and doing charity.
To sum up
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, having a full-time
education
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 until turning 18 has beneficial sides, including better job opportunities and personal development. A balanced system that combines academic and vocational options could be the most effective way to prepare young
people
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 for the future.

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task achievement
Consider adding more details or nuances to your argument, such as acknowledging potential counterarguments or discussing the perspectives of those who may disagree with your view.
coherence and cohesion
Aim for smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs to enhance the overall flow of your essay. Linking phrases can help guide the reader more effectively through your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to spelling and grammatical accuracy; for example, 'havin' should be 'having' and 'proect' should be 'project'. These small mistakes can distract from your overall message.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position, outlining the benefits of full-time education until the age of 18, which is a strong start to your essay.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples from Kazakhstan and other countries to support your argument, showing a good understanding of the topic and providing context to your points.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates your stance on the topic, providing a clear ending to your argument.
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