IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that to reduce the amount of time,People spend cummuting (travellers to work), parks and gardens close to the city centres should be replaced by apartment buildings for commuters to live in. However, Others disagree with this. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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There is no denying the fact that travelling workers are facing difficulties in finding the proper accommodation.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that
parks
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 and gardens near the
city
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centre
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 should be replaced by apartment complexes for commuters to accommodate, there are
also
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 opinions that oppose that.
This
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 essay will discuss
both
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 points of view and represent my opinion. On the one hand, replacing green spaces in the
city
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centre
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 will impair the
city
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's look.
In other words
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,
this
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 decision will make the
city
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centre
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 uglier with just complex
and
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apply
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streets, as green areas and landscapes that
parks
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 that provide extra
beauty
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 to the buildings will be replaced.
In addition
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,
Air
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 pollution will be worse in
cities
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 without
parks
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, as the absorption of extra carbon dioxide will not occur,
thus
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 the
quality
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 of life in these
cities
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 will be damaged.
For example
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, the central park in New York, which is considered one of the largest
city
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parks
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, provides
both
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air
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 cleaning and the
overall
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beauty
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 of the
city
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centre
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, replacing
this
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 park with an apartment complex, will affect
both
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 its
air
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quality
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 and
beauty
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.
On the other hand
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, maintaining green areas in urban will enhance the
overall
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quality
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 of
cities
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.
In other words
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, keeping and expanding
parks
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 in
city
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 centres will make will improve the
quality
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 of life.
this
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 is because of more pure
air
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 and relaxing spots in nature.
Moreover
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,
this
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 move will develop tourist attraction
cities
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. The combination of urban and natural
beauty
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 is found to be attractive to many people.
For instance
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, Kyoto in Japan provides
both
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 the
beauty
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 of architecture and landscaping with its mountain,
thus
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 Kyoto is one of the most tourist attractions places, not only in Japan but all over the world. In conclusion, there is no easy answer to
this
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 question. On balance,
however
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, I tend to believe that removing
parks
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 and reduction of green areas in urban, would not be the right choice.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to maintain a clearer distinction between the two views being discussed. Separate them more distinctly in your paragraphs to enhance coherence.
task achievement
Ensure that your conclusion reiterates the main points discussed and clearly presents your opinion. It should offer a more definitive stance based on the arguments presented.
coherence and cohesion
Use varied sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance the richness of your writing. This can make your arguments more compelling.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced discussion of both views, which is commendable.
task achievement
Examples used (like Central Park and Kyoto) add depth to the arguments and support your points effectively.
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