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Writing Samples
Band 6

In many countries the proportion of old people is steadily increasing. some think this is good, while others believe this is a problem for a country. discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#countries #proportion #people #think #country
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It has long been common sense that birth rates, especially in some developed nations, have been diminishing since the Baby Boom after the World War.
Consequently
, the proportion of the elderly has been increasing
due to
 lacking newborns which brings up both advantages and disadvantages.
This
 essay will explore the perspectives and present my opinions. Let us begin with the merits of more ageing people, of which the most valuable is the practical experience that they can provide. The elderly usually possess the knowledge of how to apply abstract theories to various specific situations thereby obtaining expected results.
This
 capacity sometimes can even save millions of lives. One well-known example is those retired engineers living in Fukushima, a seaside city in Japan, where they prevented an atomic generator from exploding. In that event, except for these elderly people, nobody was experienced enough to repair the damages caused by a tsunami within 20 hours. Without these retired engineers, it is inconceivable what could have happened. From the instance abovementioned, it is not difficult to perceive the importance of the elderly for
a
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
Nevertheless
,
excessively
Add an article
the excessively
an excessively
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 old population can
also
 lead to some serious issues, one of which is the overwhelming burden of petition on the country's finances. With the constant decrease of the young, the ratio of the elderly to labour has rapidly increased and makes many governments grossly worried. To illustrate, Heilongjiang, a province in the northeast of China, has been struggling to raise funds for distributing petitions in recent years since there is not sufficient labour to contribute to petitions.
To sum up
, the elderly
indeed
Add a missing verb
are indeed
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 irreplaceable in some circumstances, particularly concerned with specific experiences.
However
, too large an elderly population imposes a heavy burden on the country's
finance
Fix the agreement mistake
finances
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 and medical system. In view of
this
, I personally regard the excessive old population as
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 issue to be addressed. If the government does not bring up effective and practical schemes, the elderly who could have been a valuable asset can
also
 be the
last
 straw on the nation's finances.
Submitted by hx88375757 on

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Introduction
Your introduction does a good job of setting the context. However, you might want to state your opinion explicitly at the beginning to provide a clearer thesis statement.
Transitions
To further enhance coherence, consider using more varied transition words and phrases. This will help to create smoother transitions between your ideas.
Comprehensiveness
Ensure that your analysis remains balanced. You could briefly discuss potential solutions to handle the increased proportion of elderly people, which would show a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Structure
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Examples
You provided specific examples, like the example of the engineers in Fukushima, to support your points, which strengthens your argument.
Conclusion
The concluding paragraph effectively summarizes your key points and restates your opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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