IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum. To what extent do you agree?

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The increase in the number of overweight people is causing pressure on the health care system, it is believed that having a sport class and exercise will help to solve
this
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 issue. I agree that physical activity in school is an important key to reducing obesity. Studying
sports
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 and physical activity at school is a useful tool to control
weight
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 problems in the population,
as well as
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 it has long-term effects on the health of society.
This
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 way will help young people to establish a daily exercise that habit will grow with them and transfer from one generation to the other. A study done in 2021 on primary school children in Qassim evaluated their
weight
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 after one
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hours
Change to a singular noun
hour
show examples
Use synonyms
sports
Change preposition
of sports
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 classes for 6 months, researcher found
that
Correct word choice
apply
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no significant changes in their
weight
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 because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 needed more
hours
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 per week.Researchers and doctors recommend spending 2
hours
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 daily with specific exercise to control the child's
weight
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 and become healthy.
In addition
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 ,
sports
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 classes contain lectures about a healthy diet and counting calories to build a healthy body.
Firstly
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, most of the children consume food that contains unhealthy elements
due to
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 a lack of knowledge , for
this
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sports
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 trainer in the class will teach them about
this
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 important subject.
Secondly
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, fitness class objectives have to focus on the importance of having
sports
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 activities
in
Change preposition
at
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 a young age that continue their whole life , and how young people need to reduce their time on I pad or TV without moving with the high consumption of junk food and soft drinks.
For example
Linking Words
, the educational government in Saudi Arabia banned selling junk meals and soda in schools and advised the teachers to give lectures about the danger of that type of food. In conclusion, a key to controlling the overweight problems that lead to tension
on
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in
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 the health care system is establishing 2
hours
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 and above physical activity classes that contain lectures about diet elements and clean meals .

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task achievement
Your introduction effectively states your main argument but could benefit from a clearer outline of the essay's structure.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure to properly structure your paragraphs with a clear topic sentence for each. This will aid in guiding the reader through your arguments more effectively.
task achievement
Some of your examples and evidence need to be detailed better to strengthen the argument. For instance, providing more specific data or descriptions about the study could enhance your point.
task achievement
You presented a clear opinion on the issue, which is essential for task achievement.
task achievement
You raised relevant points about physical education and its benefits, showing good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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