IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Advanced technology has brought many beneficial changes to the world. However, some old people today struggle with the use of technologies such as mobile phones and the Internet. How can the elderly benefit from using advanced technologies? How can the elderly be encouraged to use consumer electronics more often? Write in about 250 words

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There is an ever-increasing use of
technology
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such
Linking Words
 as smartphones, and the net which introduced some crucial changes globally.
However
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, senior citizens find difficulties in using them. It is discussed that the old can make use of them to monitor their
health
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 and keep in touch with relationships whilst their awareness about
technology
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 is raised to encourage them to use smart electronic devices. It is vital to understand that senior citizens are able to follow their strengths easily through smart devices. There is no doubt that nowadays each person has to take care of themselves thoughtfully, especially the old.
However
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, with the increasing of overload patients and fees, a number of senior residents have utilized healthcare appliances to save time and money.
For example
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, Apple Watch, developed by Apple Inc., Apple
Health
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 is added on the watch for users to monitor their
health
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 in whatever they would like. It is not only about keeping track of their
health
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, using advanced
technology
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also
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 makes them connect the relatives regularly. There are multiple ways to encourage the old to operate electronics. One of these is raising their awareness about
technology
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. It is evident that they are quite out of date about modern life so education or guidance is necessary. In conclusion, the benefits of monitoring fitness and keeping in touch with the relationship should be aware early to recommend solutions appropriately.

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task achievement
Enhance the clarity of your arguments by providing more detailed examples and explanations to support your points effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Consider improving the flow of ideas by using more cohesive devices and ensuring smooth transitions between paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that you fully develop it before moving on to the next point.
task achievement
The essay addresses the main aspects of the prompt, discussing both the benefits of technology and how the elderly can be encouraged to use them.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction presents a clear overview of the topics to be discussed.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • beneficial changes
  • struggle with
  • mobile phones
  • the Internet
  • improved communication
  • social media
  • messaging apps
  • isolation
  • emotional well-being
  • access to information
  • health-related articles
  • informed decisions
  • current events
  • health monitoring
  • wearable devices
  • medication schedules
  • caregivers
  • emergencies
  • health outcomes
  • peace of mind
  • online services
  • convenience
  • independence
  • physical outings
  • hobbies
  • online tutorials
  • communities
  • creativity
  • active minds
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