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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that children at school should study the science of food and how to prepare it. Others think that school time should be spent on learning important subjects. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Several individuals believe that the science of
food
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 and the way to prepare it should be taught at school
while
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 others believe that
children
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 should learn crucial lessons during class
time
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. In
this
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 essay, I shall discuss both sides in more detail before giving my opinion. On one hand, there are some reasons to make people think that
children
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 should spend
time
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 at school to learn
food
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 science and practice it.
Firstly
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,
food
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 provides both advantages and disadvantages for their health.
Thus
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, if
children
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 comprehend fully
food
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, they can make the best of its nutritious values and avoid harmful effects.
Additionally
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,
children
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 who are trained to set up
food
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 get more independence.
This
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 is a useful skill to survive when they are adults and live alone. To illustrate, if a child does not know the mixture of honey and tofu transforms into a chemical toxic.
This
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 can lead a death when he or she eats it.
On the other hand
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, a number of people agree that
children
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 should spend
time
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 at the academy to learn important subjects. Because not only does it help them to focus on their goal of education, but it
also
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 helps them to increase the likelihood of enrolling a certain university.
For instance
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, If a child wants to become a doctor, he or she will prioritize
time
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 to focus on the main subjects which are related to medical majors. In conclusion,
although
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 both views certainly have some validity, it seems to me that it is better to have a balance to allocate learning sessions to main subjects, and the science of
food
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 and how to prepare it. Because each subject plays a unique role in the life of
children
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.

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Expression Clarity
Ensure to take care of minor inaccuracies in your expressions. Phrases like 'This can lead a death when he or she eats it' could be rephrased for clarity and accuracy. A better example might be, 'This could lead to death if consumed'
Linking Words
Consider using a wider range of linking phrases to enhance the fluidity between ideas and paragraphs. While your essay has a good structure, incorporating linking phrases like 'Moreover', 'Furthermore', or 'Consequently' can make transitions more seamless.
Use of Examples
Remember to utilize examples effectively. While your illustration about the mixture of honey and tofu adds to your argument, providing more specific, real-life examples could enhance the persuasiveness and relevance of your points.
Task Achievement
You have effectively discussed both views before stating your own opinion, which aligns with the requirements of the task.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, providing a solid framework for your essay.
Supported Main Points
The main points in your essay are well-supported and contribute to a coherent argument throughout.
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