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Writing Samples
Band 6

Over the last few decades, the media has promoted the image of young thin women as being ideal. What problems has this caused? What solutions can you suggest to this issue?

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The image of young thin
women
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 has been published widely in media as an ideal appearance over the
last
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 few decades.
This
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 situation results in the misleading
beauty
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 standard that causes unhealthy habits among
women
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.
However
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, an educational campaign about the various definitions of
beauty
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 can tackle
this
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 issue. One major consequence of excessively promoting slim
women
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 as being ideal is people will be misled about the definition of
beauty
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, increasing health problems.
Due to
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 a belief that a beautiful woman is the one that has a thinner shape, ladies are likely to limit their food consumption to lower their weight and avoid being shamed. They probably choose to cut their
calories
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calorie
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 intake to maintain their bodies' shape by eating less, causing them to lack essential nutrients.
For example
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, if
women
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 are afraid that having 3 meals per day can increase their weight, they will tend to eat fewer
proportions
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portions
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 of food which might not be enough for their bodies.
Moreover
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, some may develop eating disorders if they
Add a missing verb
are concern
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concern
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concerned
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 too much. A viable solution to
this
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 problem is to educate people about various aspects of
beauty
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 through public campaigns. Because everyone is beautiful and charming in their own way, promoting diverse images of
beauty
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 in
women
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 helps increase awareness practically, encouraging people to admit various aspects.
For instance
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, Victoria’s Secret, the renowned fashion company, has transformed the way of promoting its products from showing only good-shape models to normal
women
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, some are even overweight.
This
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 campaign became popular and effectively changed individuals' mindsets. In conclusion, presenting young thin
women
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 as an ideal case for
women
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 can increase unhealthy lifestyles because it influences
women
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 to keep their weight lower than what they should be.
This
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 challenge can be tackled by raising awareness about the various aspects of
beauty
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.

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to strengthen your main points. This will make your arguments more persuasive.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines its main idea, which will help improve the logical structure of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, summarizing the main points well.
task achievement
You've effectively identified a significant problem related to the topic, and your solution is thought-provoking and relevant.

Your opinion

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If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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