IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people today work long hours, leaving them with little time for leisure activities. Why is this happened? What problem does it cause? (Fixed)

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As inflation increases in many countries, financial stress
causes
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 citizens to drudgery tremendously long hours, which lowers their
day
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 to participate in recreational activities.
This
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 trend
causes
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 a lot of consequences,
such
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 as deteriorating well-being and weakened relationships among family members. One vital point that needs to be understood is the inflation in many countries nowadays.
Due to
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 the world going through a financial crisis, the necessities prices rose significantly, but
in contrast
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, the salaries did not increase or even decrease among some companies.
As a result
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, in order to pay those fundamentals, vast amounts of money are needed by workers, so overtime
endeavor
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endeavour
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 is the best choice for them. One consequence of working overtime is a decline in strength.
That is
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 to say, when toiling, more energy is devoted to trial, leaving little to no moment for exercise, which results in a significant decrease in
overall
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 fitness quality.
Additionally
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, excessive toil hours often lead to high levels of stress, which can weaken the immune system and increase the risk of illnesses
such
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 as heart disease and hypertension.
For example
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, a study on corporate employees found that those who consistently worked more than 50 hours per week were more likely to suffer from chronic fatigue and stress-related fettle issues compared to those with a balanced duty schedule. Another consequence of working overtime is harming family relationships.
That is
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 to say, if a person spends the whole
day
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 working, they are too exhausted to do anything. With that in mind, grinding reduces the communication
hour
Fix the agreement mistake
hours
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 for people in their society.
This
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causes
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 detrimental effects on family relationships.
For example
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, research shows that New York citizens devoted half of their
day
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working
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to working
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 every
day
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 and the happiness rates declined.
This
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 shows the disastrous effect of burning the midnight oil. In conclusion, as inflation increases, doing double duty is needed to conserve quality of life.
However
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,
this
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causes
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 bad effects
such
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 as well-being deterioration and reduced family relations.

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task achievement
Although the essay addresses the task, the introduction could clearly outline the specific issues discussed. Consider rephrasing it to state the problems more explicitly.
coherence and cohesion
There are some minor grammatical inaccuracies, such as 'drudgery tremendously' which feels awkward. Pay attention to word choice for clarity and cohesion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay could benefit from more varied transitional phrases to improve flow between ideas and paragraphs. For instance, 'Moreover' or 'In addition' could enhance coherence.
task achievement
The essay effectively identifies the key problems related to long working hours, such as health issues and family relationship deterioration.
coherence and cohesion
Clear structure with distinct paragraphs for different points and a logical progression of ideas.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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