IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that Government should take measures to improve the health of its citizens. Others think it must be managed by individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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"
Health
Use synonyms
 is wealth". Truly, better
health
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 can increase
lifespan
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the lifespan
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 of an individual. Regarding
health
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 measures, many people believe that they should be taken care of by the
government
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while
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 others argue that,
population
Correct article usage
the population
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 have to take accountability for their own
health
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both views in detail. In the
end
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end,
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this
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 essay will
also
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 explain my viewpoint as I believe, in many cases, a combination of both
government
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 initiatives and individual responsibility could work efficiently to achieve a healthy society. To start with, in many countries healthcare system is managed by the
government
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.
Although
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,
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apply
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 the public servants manage the required basic needs of the community, it is the individual's responsibility to opt for healthy choices to achieve optimal fitness.
Government
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 investment in public
health
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 campaigns can significantly increase awareness about healthy lifestyles, leading to better communities'
health
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overall
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.
In addition
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 to that, authoritative regulations
such
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 as banning smoking in public places or taxing sugary drinks, can encourage healthier picks among citizens.
Thus
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, a little but profound initiative can change the scenario of the healthcare provisions, which ultimately contributes to good
health
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.
For instance
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, in many countries, the
government
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 arrange seminars on general
health
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 programs to educate the community which helps them to understand how making healthy choices makes a difference in
overall
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 well-being. Individuals are primarily responsible for their well-being. They should seek to educate themselves about nutrition, exercise and mental
health
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. People can make lifestyle changes by making the right decisions
such
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 as improving their habits diet and fitness. These basic steps are healthful to them.
For example
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, many doctors agree that making healthy lifestyle alternatives can increase living years . In conclusion, the ministry should focus on and offer necessary support to the community regarding healthcare services.
On the other hand
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, people should take accountability for their own healthy choices to live efficiently and for longer years with better
health
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. In my viewpoint,
health
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 is a very important aspect of building a healthy society and the nation.
Hence
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, the combination of both, the
government
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 and individual should act profoundly in their ways to improve quality of life; in terms of better well-being.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and outlines the discussion points, which is a positive aspect. However, try to use a more engaging opening statement to grab the reader's attention better.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that connects back to your thesis. This helps improve the logical flow of your ideas.
Task Achievement
Try to expand on your points with more detailed examples or evidence, especially in the body paragraphs, to strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points without introducing new ideas. It should reflect your opinion more strongly to reinforce your argument.
Language
Your vocabulary is appropriate and varied, which helps convey your ideas effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • health campaigns
  • awareness
  • healthy lifestyles
  • community health
  • government regulations
  • banning smoking
  • taxing sugary drinks
  • healthcare services
  • responsibility
  • informed choices
  • diet
  • exercise routines
  • education
  • nutrition
  • fitness
  • personal accountability
  • sustainable
  • long-term health outcomes
  • initiatives
  • optimal health outcomes
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