IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Publishing detailed information about crime in newspaper or on television can have dangerous consequences and should therefore be restricted.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that broadcasting crime-related videos on television or publishing them in newspapers can have harmful effects.
As a result
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, some argue that the government should ban
such
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 channels. I completely agree with
this
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 notion, as excessive exposure to crime-related content can influence teenagers to engage in unlawful activities. In
this
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 essay, I will explain the reasons that support my viewpoint in detail. On the one hand, there are many dangerous consequences of watching crime-related videos on TV or the internet.
Firstly
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,
such
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 content can negatively affect children's mindsets, as they easily adopt new
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 after watching and learning from television.
Consequently
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, they may develop an admiration for illegal activities to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
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 their needs.
For instance
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,
according to
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 one survey, around 23% of children engage in lawbreaking activities to achieve their dreams,
such
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 as buying cars and homes.
Secondly
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, in the film industry, many celebrities promote crime-related advertisements.
As a result
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, their fans tend to imitate their actions, which may lead to harm to both society and themselves. To mitigate these problems, authorities should ban
such
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 advertisements to protect young individuals. Governments should establish guidelines that limit the amount of sensitive information shared in crime reports. Media outlets should focus on raising awareness without glorifying criminals or providing explicit details.
For instance
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, in many countries like India and China, authorities have banned crime-related channels.
Moreover
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,
instead
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 of focusing solely on crime, media outlets should highlight positive societal developments,
such
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 as law enforcement successes, community initiatives, and inspiring stories of individuals overcoming challenges. In conclusion, I firmly believe that
this
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 statement is valid. To address
this
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 serious issue, the government should ensure that media platforms, especially newspapers and television, remain free from harmful content by restricting the level of detail shared

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Task Achievement
While your introduction clearly presents your position, consider adding a brief overview of the main points you will discuss to enhance clarity for the reader.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph contains clear topic sentences that are directly connected to your thesis statement to improve the logical flow of ideas.
Task Achievement
Consider providing a more balanced view by acknowledging counterarguments before refuting them, which could strengthen your essay overall.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a strong overall structure, with clear paragraphs that are logically organized.
Task Achievement
You support your argument with relevant examples, which contributes to the effectiveness of your claims.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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