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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some toddlers are using mobile phones for hours each day. why is this the case? is this a positive or negative development?

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In contemporary society, the use of phone gadgets has become a demand for the community especially for children. The convenience of phones is necessary for
parents
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 to care for their
kids
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 or give toddlers
time
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 on their own to entertain so
parents
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 can do other tasks.
However
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, it might come up with some consequences. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the case and provide several negative impacts on children. First of all, giving offspring
time
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 to entertain on Smartphones so that
parents
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 can work on their daily tasks
such
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 as house chores, and have a meeting via Zoom chat. These examples are the ways
instead
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 of hiring a caretaker.
For instance
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, most of the
time
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parents
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 are busy and tend to let their babies play by themselves because smart devices can be the best way to attract offspring and they could spend hours facing the screen to watch or play games. That would benefit both
parents
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 and
kids
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.
Secondly
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, there are some negative effects and drawbacks that the development of pupils' brains or their communication skills if they just concentrate on the phone without talking to their peers or
parents
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.
For example
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, the sense of love is the most crucial function that should be felt by
kids
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due to
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 the separation
time
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 and distance from
parents
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.
Thus
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,
time
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 after
time
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 a child cannot feel any love or even feel alone because they have not received attention from their
parents
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.
Moreover
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,
kids
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 will not be able to develop their brain cells without interacting in actions or gaining knowledge from people around them.
To conclude
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, offering children
time
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 for entertainment is a beneficial way but
kids
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also
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 need be restrict their
time
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 on mobile phones because their well-being is
also
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 vitally important in their lives. Parent should spend more
time
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 with their babies to enhance their communication skills and their interaction with society.

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Task Achievement
Provide a more balanced view by discussing both positive and negative aspects of mobile phone use for toddlers. This could enhance the task response and show a deeper engagement with the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and all sentences support that idea.
Task Achievement
Make sure all ideas are fully developed with relevant supporting details and examples to strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction clearly sets out the discussion on the convenience of phones for parents and toddlers, which is a good start.
Task Achievement
Good attempt to present negative impacts, which is essential for discussing the effects of mobile phones on toddlers' development.
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