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Writing Samples
Band 7

Successful sport professionals can earn a great deal more money than other people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it's unfair. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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The influence of celebrities and athletes on today's society is significant. In
this
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 regard, many people claim that sportsmen often earn a decent revenue than others, which is completely justified
due to
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 their struggle and hard work,
while
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 others reject
this
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 notion. The substantial domination of
this
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 trend has sparked controversy among the crowd. In my opinion, high pay completely relies on an individual's ability and consistency.
This
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 essay will
further
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 elaborate on both perspectives and
thus
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 will lead to a logical conclusion. Analyzing the statement and explaining
further
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, the first and foremost reason behind
this
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 is that pursuing a career in sports is a risky decision for many athletes because the success ratio in international sports is extremely low.
However
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, sportsmen including, cricketers, footballers and F1 car racers often represent their country on international platforms and inspire young aspirants.
Therefore
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, an ability to highly control the public helps them promote products
such
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 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 beverages, cosmetics and other goods allowing them to achieve financial benefits.
For example
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, Virat Kohli known as the "King of Cricket" charges between 7 to 10 crore per advertisement. His involvement in band promotions not only supports his luxurious lifestyle but
also
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 companies to grow.
Hence
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, it is apparent why many are in favour of
this
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 trend. On second thought, a couple of reasons drive me to consider the opposite notion as well, those who oppose the idea of players earning significantly more than other sectors argue that
such
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 inequality in revenue is unjustifiable.
For example
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, essential workers including teachers and healthcare workers play crucial roles in communities.
Additionally
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, their incomes are typically much lower and even less than 0.1% of sports stars' paychecks.
This
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 massive difference in earnings raises concerns about social values and priorities. To recapitulate,
according to
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 the arguments and aforementioned, one can reach the conclusion the primary reasons behind athletes' high incomes are their consistency, discipline, and significant domination of the audience, which appears to be more rational.
Nevertheless
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, the contributions of essential workers,
such
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 as teachers and healthcare professionals, and the pay disparities they face should not be overlooked either.

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task achievement
The introduction has a clear statement of both sides and a personal opinion. However, consider refining the thesis statement for better clarity and impact.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow between your points. While each paragraph has a clear focus, enhancing the transitions between ideas could strengthen coherence.
task achievement
In the conclusion, reiterate your opinion more emphatically and suggest possible implications for fairness in pay across professions.
task achievement
The use of relevant examples, such as Virat Kohli, effectively supports your arguments and enhances the essay's persuasiveness.
coherence and cohesion
The essay contains a balanced discussion, presenting both viewpoints fairly before concluding with your personal opinion, which showcases a good understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • exceptional talent
  • dedication
  • entertainment value
  • revenue
  • ticket sales
  • advertisements
  • sponsorships
  • short-lived career
  • physical and mental challenges
  • compensation
  • limited career span
  • health risks
  • financial rewards
  • disproportionate emphasis
  • intellectual contributions
  • social contributions
  • undervaluing
  • societal perception
  • income distribution
  • valuable
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