IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that modern technology has made shopping today easier, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is undeniable that
technology
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 has simplified the processes of shopping,
while
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 many individuals believe
technology
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 should be prohibited.
Although
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 I can see convincing arguments behind banning
technology
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 to protect the
privacy
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 of
customers
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, I strongly support the practice of innovating
technology
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 deeply. On the one hand, technical tools have helped shoppers to make great achievements in the field of purchasing,
searching
Correct word choice
and searching
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goods
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for goods
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 by photo searching, AI matching, and VR simulation.
As a result
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, many
customers
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 have bought some products that they desire, even becoming faithful fans of merchants.
For instance
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,
according to
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
a
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 survey conducted by the University of Hong Kong, 42% of the
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
 of purchasing of
customers
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,
such
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 as finding
Correct pronoun usage
their favorite
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favorite
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favourite
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 clothes, sharing their experiences after they use them, and leaving reviews on
the
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apply
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social comments, are relied on for pride in the use of
technology
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.
On the other hand
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, when
technology
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 is used in marketing excessively, it is a disaster for
customers
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. How can I find necessary things rather than a product of excessive
promoting
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promotion
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?
Furthermore
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, if
technology
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was
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is
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 used too frequently on
customers
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, it might create a sense of worry about
privacy
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 and lead to a loss of trust in
customers
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instead
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 of making a convenience in front of them.
For example
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, statistics provided by
Tokyo
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the Tokyo
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 University of
Technology
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 show that 65% of
customers
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 worry that manufacturers steal their
privacy
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 through surveillance of purchase records. In conclusion, though technical tools have undoubtedly brought a series of thoughts about the
privacy
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 of
customers
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, I believe they must deeply innovate so that they serve
customers
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 better.

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task achievement
Ensure that both sides of the argument are more balanced. While you provide points against technology, make sure to elaborate on the negative aspects more thoroughly, or provide additional detail to your positive points.
coherence cohesion
Try to improve transition phrases between paragraphs to enhance flow. For instance, using phrases like 'on the contrary' or 'additionally' can guide the reader more smoothly through your argument.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position, providing a good foundation for the essay.
task achievement
You incorporated examples and statistics to support your arguments, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • online marketplaces
  • mobile payment options
  • personalized advertising
  • accessibility
  • compare prices
  • decision fatigue
  • impulse buying
  • financial imprudence
  • privacy and data security
  • transformed
  • streamlined
  • user-friendly
What to do next:
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