IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

There should be strict laws banning people from taking photographs of people under '18 in order to protect young celebrities and the children of celebrities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Taking photographs of underage teenagers should be illegal in order to protect young celebrities and
children
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 of celebrities’ privacy. I strongly agree with
this
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 opinion. Underage
children
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 should be protected, regardless of whether they are celebrities or not, especially in
this
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 digital age. To start with, the use of social media, magazines, and TV has a huge impact on many celebrities’ lives. Since technology and AI are developing more than ever, reaching people’s social and private lives is easy.
This
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 can bring many dangers with it, including locating their residence with one small frame or even cyberbullying. There were many incidents reported in the past, including bullying about Beyoncé’s daughter's looks or locating Kim Kardashian’s daughter.
This
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 can have a detrimental effect on their mental health.
Therefore
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, taking pictures of underage kids could look innocent at
first,
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but it may bring potential dangers, including obsessed stalkers who could try to seek them without authorization and may even harm them. Demi Lovato, Miley Cyrus, and Selena Gomez, the star kids of Disney Channel, were reportedly stalked many times when they were just underage TV stars.
Similarly
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, with technology, it is effortless to Photoshop people these days.
Consequently
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, it could bring fake news and wrong accusations and put the
children
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 in challenging situations. From school to where they eat is all available to people, and without laws to protect them, the families’ powers are limited. The laws should be stricter so they can give safety and security to those who are famous personalities.
At the end
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 of the day, they are
also
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 humans, and they would want to be free to move just like any of us. In conclusion, to keep underage youngsters safe, governments should move forward with new, stricter rules and laws for media, magazine reporters, and fans.
Although
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 it could be challenging, people should follow these rules to keep
children
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 safe.

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task achievement
Consider developing your conclusion further by summarizing the key points of your argument. This will help reinforce your main ideas to the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea to improve coherence. This will help guide the reader through your argument more effectively.
task achievement
Try to connect the examples more closely to your main points, explaining how they illustrate the dangers associated specifically with the privacy of underage celebrities.
task achievement
You present a clear argument in favor of protecting the privacy of underage celebrities, demonstrating a strong personal viewpoint.
task achievement
Your essay benefits from relevant examples, which illustrate your points effectively and add depth to your argument.
coherence and cohesion
The language used is articulate, and you have displayed a good range of vocabulary, which enhances your writing.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Incessant media attention
  • Right to privacy
  • Detrimental effect
  • Exploitation and misuse
  • Formidable deterrent
  • Positive example
  • Regulating the actions
  • Digital footprint
  • Unauthorized sharing
  • Mental health
  • Paparazzi
  • Celebrities' children
  • Legal protection
  • Psychological impact
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