IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Tobacco should be treated as illegal like other drugs. Smoking has not a single positive issue but lots of negative effects and therefore, it should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the above statement. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience.

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Nowadays people are so obsessed with smoking,
they
Correct word choice
that they
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 will go to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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great
length
Fix the agreement mistake
lengths
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of
Change preposition
to
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 smoke. Others believe
this
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 tobacco should be banned because of health issues.I totally agree with
this
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 statement. Cigarettes have to be made illegal like other drugs.
thus
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, causing more harm to
body
Add an article
the body
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 and
also
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 leading to death
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at
Change preposition
in
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 the end.
Firstly
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,individuals who smoke frequently are less likely to survive with the problem but others will be affected
due to
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 the smell.
However
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, it causes several damage to the body.
For instance
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, the most common problem is lung
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
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...
Secondly
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,commuters have become like
chain-smokers
Correct your spelling
chain smokers
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.even hard to cure.
For example
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,
overall
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 70
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 of the population in the USA were habituated by the stick and are living with the issue.
on the other hand
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, dwellers are aware
this
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 has to be banned
due to
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 its heavy use.
However
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,
government
Add an article
the government
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 can take initiatives like reducing the quantity of the distribution or else prohibiting
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
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 several parts of the cities.
Moreover
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, fines on the shops or the companies involved in selling these items.
To the
Change preposition
The
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 most, they can organize a social awareness
on
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by
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 advertising
in
Change preposition
on
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 the television where, in Bhutan smoking is restricted and made illegal so that even foreigners can't buy it.
To sum up
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,
this
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 kind of
drugs
Fix the agreement mistake
drug
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 has to be prohibited
due to
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 the high volume of usage by people which almost leads to death or negative effects likely leading to lung cancer or else difficulties in breathing. To avoid
this
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authories
Correct your spelling
authorities
 could effectively ban these products or make
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 more less production. Beyond that charging the firms and campaigning will help them to reduce and be free from smoking.

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task achievement
Although you provided a clear opinion and supported it with reasons, your essay could benefit from a more structured argumentation. Try to clearly separate your points and ensure each paragraph has a specific focus.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to include transitions and linking words to maintain a smooth flow between your ideas. This will help improve the coherence and logical structure of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are quite run-on and could be divided for clarity. Focus on sentence structure to enhance the readability of your writing.
task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples and elaboration to strengthen your arguments. This can also help in achieving a clearer and more comprehensive presentation of your ideas.
task achievement
You clearly state your position on the issue, demonstrating a strong stance in favor of banning tobacco, which is commendable.
task achievement
You have made an attempt to provide examples to support your points, which is important for a persuasive essay.
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