IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

At the present time, the population of some country includes a relatively large number of young adult, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

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In the present
days
Fix the agreement mistake
day
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, the
overall
Linking Words
 population in the world have a large number of young
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
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, compared with older people which are slightly reduced by
significantly
Change the adverb
significant
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 situations
in
Change preposition
apply
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nowadays,
for instance
Linking Words
, economics, environmental problems, or other
relatively
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relative
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 moments.
Hence
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,
this
Linking Words
 essay will
shows
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show
show examples
 the advantages and disadvantages of
this
Linking Words
 topic.
Firstly
Linking Words
, most
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 believe that teenagers are the direction of futurism, where
the
Correct article usage
apply
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trendy things will be impacted in the future
such
Linking Words
 as social media, technology, or
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
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, when they grow up to
elder
Correct article usage
the elder
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 phase.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
increasing
Correct article usage
the increasing
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 of young adults
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 the necessary
conditions
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condition
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 to step up
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the right way. In
additions
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addition
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, teenage times are the way of futurism,
thus
Linking Words
 learning development during that
durations
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duration
show examples
 is
Correct article usage
a significantly
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significantly
Change the word
significant
show examples
 path to
make
Wrong verb form
making
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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better places in each country. On the other
hands
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hand
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, elders have
past
Replace the word
passed
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 through
young
Correct article usage
a young
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 period and the above mechanics have run as a mortal cycle,
for example
Linking Words
, using their experience to teach their children, Old trends are impacted
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
nowadays like televisions or radios, or the popular thought in the past
such
Linking Words
 as engineer, doctor, or accountant. From now on, these methods will be left to the back and replaced by the changing generation. In conclusion, the new generations are going to replace their attentiveness and older people will be gently decreased either in terms of number or human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
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. We can see various futuristic
equipments
Correct your spelling
equipment
 or
mind sets
Correct your spelling
mindsets
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are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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changing
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 both two
genre
Change to a plural noun
genres
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,
for instance
Linking Words
, using smart
phone
Correct your spelling
smartphone
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, working from home, or calling from
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
 distance which would not be absolutely happened in the previous times.

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Task Achievement
Your introduction could be improved by clearly stating your opinion on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Additionally, there are some grammatical inaccuracies that can be fixed for better clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance coherence, try to use clearer topic sentences and linking phrases that guide the reader through your arguments. It will help in showing the relationship between your ideas.
Task Achievement
Use more precise vocabulary and reduce redundancy in your sentences for clearer communication. For example, phrases like 'the direction of futurism' could be simplified or clarified.
Task Achievement
You have demonstrated a good understanding of the topic and made relevant points about the advantages and disadvantages of a young population.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your thoughts and reflects on the changes brought by the younger generation.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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