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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart shows the average number of hours students in five different universities studied.

The bar chart shows the average number of hours students in five different universities studied.
The bar graph
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 data on the changes
of
Change preposition
apply
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between the average
minutes
Use synonyms
 spent on reading for pleasure and spent on listening to music in New Zealand
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 two
age
Use synonyms
 groups.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen from the graph that
55
Correct article usage
the 55
show examples
 over
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 on two common leisure activities
tanf
Correct your spelling
and
 to
highet
Correct your spelling
highest
higher
high
 rise.
However
Linking Words
, the number of 15-24
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 spent on reading for pleasure
tend
Wrong verb form
tended
show examples
 to drop,
while
Linking Words
 the opposite side was true of
Use synonyms
group
Add an article
the group
show examples
 spent on listening to music. The figure for the average
minutes
Use synonyms
 spent on reading for pleasure,
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 aged over 55 spent 70
minutes
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
reading, but 15-24 just spent 20
minutes
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 was followed by 25-34 spent 35
minutes
Use synonyms
 half of the
age
Use synonyms
 over 55. After that the 35-44 and 45-54
age
Use synonyms
 groups, with the time respective 45 and 50
minutes
Use synonyms
. Regarding the data
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, people aged 15-24 reached the highest level
80
Change preposition
at 80
show examples
minutes
Use synonyms
 and almost double
35
Correct article usage
the 35
show examples
-44
aged
Replace the word
age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 at 45
minutes
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
the
Correct your spelling
those
show examples
 over 55 reached the level approximately over 70
minutes
Use synonyms
. Ultimately, the
statistic
Fix the agreement mistake
statistics
show examples
 for the 25-34 and 45-54
age
Use synonyms
 groups are equal at 60
minutes
Use synonyms
 .

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words minutes, age, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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