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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In many countries, old people are valued by the government while others think that they should consider the young. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In
this
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 day and age, whether old or young generations should be valued is now a debatable point. The writer,
however
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, contends that the young generation is far more crucial
due to
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 their creativity and their ability to catch up with the latest technological advancements
while
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 some believe that the old one can bring valuable knowledge. It must be acknowledged that the young are creative.
That is
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 to say, they always find any aspects of their lives
such
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 as their financial background or even themselves are inadequate and outdated and have to be renovated.
This
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 leads to the fact that young citizens often come up with new ideas that bring alterations that benefit themselves or even other individuals.
As a consequence
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, if governments pay more attention to these newbies, it will act as an incentive for them to bring about new approaches to
such
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 problematic issues in the economy or education. Some sceptics,
nevertheless
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, justify that senior individuals can entail valuable insights. To be more specific, they have achieved and experienced numerous obstacles in their lives and they, apparently, will be extremely careful when making a decision.
This
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 advantage,
therefore
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, can make sure that the least risks are likely to happen when considering imperative problems in finance and society.
This
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 point is credible,
nonetheless
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, it must be understood that these seniors are
also
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 the young in the past, they learned from various problems throughout their lives, which transformed them into experienced individuals, so as the young now, they should go and challenge themselves in order to become an experienced people like the older.
This
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 is the point of the writer that governments should take the young into consideration
due to
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 their capabilities to deal with technology. Specifically, it is more beneficial for the young to operate numerous smart devices
such
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 as robots which are the symbols of the world nowadays.
In contrast
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, older people may find it difficult to approach new things, especially in technology owing to their complexity.
As a result
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, the younger can positively take charge of the operation of today's movements so that they can not be the person behind the loops. Take Singapore as a prime example where the young now dominate the workspace relating to technology.
To conclude
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, it is far more advantageous for communities to value young people thanks to their creativity and adaptability compared to the valuable insights of the older.
Hence
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, the essay should have shown that authorities should pay more attention to young adults

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task achievement
The essay does an excellent job of addressing both sides of the argument and provides a clear opinion. However, there are minor issues with phrasing and clarity in some parts. Make sure each sentence is easy to understand at first read.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, the essay is well-structured with clear paragraphs. Nonetheless, some transitional phrases could be used more effectively to guide the reader smoothly from one point to another.
task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples and elaborating on them to make your points more compelling. For instance, when discussing the creativity of young people, you could mention specific innovations or developments led by young individuals in technology or business.
task achievement
The essay is well-organized and effectively addresses both perspectives while providing a clear stance.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and summarize the main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay makes good use of logical structure, with each paragraph focusing on a single main idea.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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