IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The use of mobile phones should be banned in public space such as libraries, transportations, and shops. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Owing to the necessity of individual
safety
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, there is no doubt that ensuring public banning rules is crucial for population health. It is a commonly held belief that using a mobile phone
while
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 being occupied with a certain task is dangerous and can pose
safety
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 risks.
However
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, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes
this
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 idea. In my opinion, I consider that commitment to
safety
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 rules is essential for community protection and health.
To begin
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 with, it is widely known that challenges are linked to satisfaction in public spaces, especially in vital situations
such
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 as being in libraries, transportation, or shops.
In other words
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, giving full attention during certain activities is necessary to complete tasks properly and quickly without interruption from mobile phone
use
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.
For instance
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, students are more likely to complete their homework in the library effectively when they avoid phone
use
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.
Additionally
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, following banned rules can reduce
safety
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-related accidents.
For example
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, avoiding mobile
use
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while
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 driving is crucial for safe driving and minimizing road risks. Another point to consider is that it can be quite challenging for people with unstable or emergency cases to stick to
this
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 rule without flexibility. It is
also
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 possible to say that allowing some exceptions may help people commit more easily.
For example
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, mothers could be permitted to
use
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 their phones in a private room in the library when needed. In conclusion, despite the existence of different views, I strongly agree with banning mobile phones in public spaces, especially in critical situations, to ensure
safety
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 and better health in the community.

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task achievement
While your arguments are clear, enhancing the development of your points could further strengthen your essay. Expanding on the examples you provide will help demonstrate the importance of your argument more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure transitions between points are smooth and logical. Adding linking phrases can enhance the flow of your ideas, making it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
Consider providing a counterargument within your essay. Addressing opposing views more explicitly and then refuting them can help enrich your discussion and show a well-rounded perspective.
introduction
Your introduction clearly states your opinion and sets the tone for the essay, which is a strong starting point. You effectively state the importance of safety and health in the context of mobile phone use in public spaces.
conclusion
You concluded your essay effectively by summarizing your viewpoint and reinforcing the necessity of banning mobile phones, which helps to leave a strong impression on the reader.
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