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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on completely different factors. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Nowadays, some individuals believe enjoyment is hidden in wealth,
while
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 others reckon contentment may rely on diverse factors. In my opinion,
happiness
Use synonyms
 can be found in family or friends, as they are
only
Correct article usage
the only
show examples
 ones to enjoy
with
Change preposition
apply
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and
only
Correct article usage
the only
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 ones to trust.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and reach a reasonable conclusion. On the one hand, when basic needs
such
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 as food, shelter, and healthcare are met, people are more likely to experience a sense of well-being.
Moreover
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, disposable income allows individuals to enjoy leisure activities, travel, and invest in education—all of which can contribute to life satisfaction.
For instance
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, a person with a stable income can afford to live in a comfortable home, receive quality medical care, and provide a good future for their children, leading to a sense of achievement and peace of mind.
On the other hand
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, many argue that
happiness
Use synonyms
 stems from factors unrelated to money. Strong personal relationships, meaningful work, health, and a sense of purpose often play a more lasting role in one’s emotional
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
.
For example
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, someone working in a modest-paying but fulfilling job,
such
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 as teaching or social work, may feel greater joy than someone earning a high salary in a stressful corporate position. Studies in psychology
also
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 indicate that after a certain level of income, additional wealth has little impact on long-term
happiness
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. In conclusion,
while
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 economic success can create a foundation for comfort and reduce stress, it is not the sole determinant of
happiness
Use synonyms
. True contentment often comes from intangible connection, purpose, and personal growth, which cannot be bought.

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Task Achievement
Consider expanding your introduction to provide a broader context for the discussion. This could involve defining what personal happiness means and how it is typically perceived in society.
Coherence and Cohesion
While your ideas are clear, try to enhance the transition between points within the body paragraphs for better flow. Use more varied linking words to connect ideas smoothly.
Task Achievement
Adding more specific examples or personal anecdotes could strengthen your arguments, particularly on the side that emphasizes relationships and purpose beyond economic success.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates well-structured paragraphs with clear main ideas, which makes it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
Task Achievement
You effectively present both sides of the argument before concluding, showing a balanced perspective, which is commendable for task response.
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