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Band 6

Some people think children should learn to paint and draw at school. Others believe it is just a waste of time. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
In the contemporary era,
children
Use synonyms
 should be taught to paint and draw at school believe some people.
However
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, others argue that it is just a waste of time. In
this
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 essay, I will justify both perspectives before presenting my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
To commence with,
firstly
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 artistic skills like painting and drawing
,
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apply
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 can enhance
children
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's creativity and imagination, providing them with a means of personal expression and emotional release.
Although
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 they draw small things, which improves their mental ability.
For example
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, there are many play stations and
children
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's schools where
children
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 learn these imaginative things.
Moreover
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, learning to paint and draw contributes to a child's
overall
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 development, including fine motor skills and hand-eye coordination, which are crucial for many academic and daily tasks.
As a result
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, artistic skills are necessary for a child's development.
Body paragraph 2
Moving ahead,
secondly
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, in a time of increasing academic pressure, educational resources should prioritize subjects that directly contribute to economic success,
such
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 as STEM fields, rather than art.
For example
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,
although
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children
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 waste their time in painting and drawing, their academic section gets wasted and
scores
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score
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 low on exams.
Furthermore
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,
children
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 get into the habit of drawing on the wall of the hall which creates damage to the house.
For instance
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, education is more important than learning art .
Conclusion
In conclusion, exposure to the arts has been linked to improved academic performance in subjects like math and science, suggesting that artistic training can bolster cognitive abilities.
However
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, educational resources should be prioritised as subjects that directly contribute to economic success. Maintaining a balance between these will help in the
overall
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 development of the
children
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.

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Task Achievement
The essay presents both views clearly but could benefit from expanding on some arguments for greater depth. For example, you could elaborate further on how art impacts cognitive skills or offer more examples of successful art integration in education.
Coherence and Cohesion
Some sentences could be restructured for clarity. For example, 'Although they draw small things, which improves their mental ability' is not clear. Consider revising to say 'Engaging in art can improve children's mental capabilities through creative expression.'
Coherence and Cohesion
While you have a logical structure, you could improve transition phrases between points. Try using more connection words or phrases to better guide the reader through your arguments, like 'Furthermore' or 'Additionally.'
Task Achievement
There are a few grammatical inaccuracies and awkward phrases. For instance, 'Although children waste their time in painting and drawing' could be suggested as 'Some argue that children may be wasting time on painting and drawing,' which reads more naturally.
Task Achievement
The essay introduces both sides of the argument effectively, showing an understanding of the topic from multiple perspectives.
Coherence and Cohesion
The conclusion ties the arguments together well, reiterating the importance of balancing art and academic subjects. This is a strong way to summarize your position.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • creativity
  • imagination
  • personal expression
  • emotional release
  • overall development
  • fine motor skills
  • hand-eye coordination
  • academic performance
  • STEM fields
  • well-rounded
  • critical thinking
  • problem-solving
  • innovation
  • arts education
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