IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful, but they are also likely to suffer from negative social consequences. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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It is sometimes asserted that a country might economically benefit from its citizens working longer
hours
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,
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however
Add a comma
however,
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 there are far-reaching repercussions at the societal level. I completely agree with
this
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 assertion as increased time commitment can result in elevated national gross product
as well as
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 certain social problems.
To begin
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 with, the rationale for my approval of the idea that a country’s economy is more robust if
people
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 spend longer
hours
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 at
work
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 is the increase in its gross product. As
people
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 devote a significant part of their days to fulfilling
work
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 responsibilities, they can produce a greater amount of output, which collectively contributes to a growth in their countries’ wealth. An illustrative example is Japan where average employees
work
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 at least 50
hours
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 a week, a figure far higher than most other countries.
This
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 disparity has reportedly contributed to the exceptionally high GDPs that have registered the country as one of the most powerful economies over the
last
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 decades.
In addition
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, I
also
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 support the argument that countries are faced with several issues resulting from prolonged working time. Chief of these is decreasing public health as working extra
hours
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 generally leads
people
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 to burnout
while
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 leaving them mostly no room for physical exercise. If
this
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 condition lingers on, they might experience health problems
such
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 as obesity, which places a burden on national healthcare.
Furthermore
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, overly-occupied
people
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 might suffer from loneliness caused by the shortage of time for quality social interactions. Many professionals in China,
for instance
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, are deficient in casual outings as they are required to
work
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 about 12
hours
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 every day, severely affecting their social relationships. In conclusion, I am in complete agreement with the idea that longer commitment at
work
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 is beneficial to a country’s economic output, but
also
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 causes social issues including health problems and a sense of solitude.
That is
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 why countries should rather invest in technical initiatives to enhance productivity and allow their citizens to strike a balance between personal and professional lives.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position and the main idea, which is excellent. To enhance clarity, consider rephrasing 'this assertion' to 'this statement' for better readability.
coherence cohesion
While your ideas are logically arranged and flow well, consider using more varied linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion, particularly at the beginning of paragraphs.
task achievement
In your examples, expanding slightly on the implications of the economic success in Japan and the societal issues in China could provide a stronger connection between your points and make your argument even more persuasive.
task achievement
You provided a clear position on the topic and well-structured argumentation, demonstrating a good understanding of the task.
task achievement
Your essay features relevant examples that effectively illustrate your points, enhancing the overall quality of your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Average working time
  • Economically successful
  • Negative social consequences
  • Employee burnout
  • Competitive edge
  • Global markets
  • Consumer spending
  • Productivity
  • Work-life balance
  • Mental health issues
  • Community ties
  • Societal well-being
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