IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

19. Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if they can. Do you agree or disagree?

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Few inhabitants consider it a great idea for elderly
individuals
Use synonyms
 to continue working if it is easy for them to do so. I agree with
this
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 notion and will discuss my views in the upcoming paragraphs. To commence with the view of agreement,
firstly
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, self-dependency. To elaborate
this
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, in the later years of life,
people
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 often become entirely dependent on their offspring for various needs
such
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 as medications and clothing.
However
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, if
individuals
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 of that age prefer to
work
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, they can avoid relying on their children.
For example
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, a 2021 survey conducted by the World Health Organization (WHO) revealed that 40% of elderly
individuals
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 visiting government hospitals were paying their bills independently just because of the jobs they had in their later age.
As a result
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, if older
people
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work
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 at
this
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 age, they can enjoy independence for an extended duration.
Furthermore
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, another point of agreement is providing help to their younger colleagues.
In other words
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, older
individuals
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 possess significant experience in the
work
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 field
as well as
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 in life, which can benefit other members in the workplace and result in increased productivity.
For instance
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, an article published in the famous newspaper Cable News Network in 2021 showed that during the COVID-19 pandemic, the annual turnover of multinational companies in India increased because their younger employees were able to acquire knowledge from older employees via video conferencing
while
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 working from home.
Therefore
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, older
people
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 could contribute their experience wisely to their junior co-workers. In conclusion, if older
people
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 decide to
work
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 in their later years, they not only get independence but
also
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 can share their knowledge and experience with others.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to ensure that each paragraph develops a single clear idea that is directly related to your main argument.
task achievement
Consider adding more specific examples or detail to support your points and enhance clarity.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear viewpoint and maintains a consistent argument throughout.
coherence and cohesion
The structure is logical, with an identifiable introduction, body, and conclusion.
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