IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Television Sport shows such as the Olympics are a good source of motivation for our youths who do not like to exercise much. Do you agree or disagree?

Sports
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 programs on television
such
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 as the Olympics are
Add an article
an
show examples
excellent illustration of motivation for our young generations who has little exercise. I firmly agree that these programs bring a sense of nationalism and the influence
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
athletes
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 could encourage them to become more active.
Firstly
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, International competitions on television
such
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 as the Olympics often engage teens to support their country.
For example
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, Indonesia is known for their badminton, and when
Olympics
Correct article usage
the Olympics
show examples
 happen, most people gather to watch the event, creating
such
Linking Words
 exciting feelings , especially for younger generations.
This
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 event could affect their activities because of the euphoria when their country wins the game.
In addition
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, most of the international competitions could eradicate their bad behaviour towards
lifestyle
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, and start to practice the
sports
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.
Therefore
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, watching more
sports
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 events could benefit the youth.
Secondly
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, Embracing
athletes
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' popularity can bring
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
show examples
 impact to counteract the sedentary
lifestyle
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 in
children
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. Nowadays
athletes
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 gain popularity not only through
sports
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 but
also
Linking Words
 from healthy product advertisements like vitamins, performing good examples of a healthy
lifestyle
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. Consider football players as an example, many youth take football
athletes
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 as their idols.
this
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 trend often leads to changing lifestyles because
children
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 follow their idol
lifestyle
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, resulting in more outdoor activities.
Moreover
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,
children
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 usually spend their money on their idol's merchandise like jerseys and wear them when they exercise.
This
Linking Words
 often causes an exciting feeling.
To sum up
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, television
sports
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 programs often bring positive development to
children
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 through national pride and athlete's popularity. By watching
this
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 program,
although
Linking Words
 youth cannot play any type of sport, they could start to learn
such
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sports
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Consider improving the clarity and focus of your introduction. Make sure to clearly state your main argument and how you will support it throughout the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure your ideas are well organized in each paragraph. Using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader through your points more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary and more diverse sentence structures to enhance the overall quality of your essay.
task achievement
You have presented relevant points about how television sports programs can motivate youth.
task achievement
Your examples, particularly around national pride and athlete influence, add significant value to your argument.
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