IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#phones #places
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Smoking is widely recognised as being antisocial and is prohibited in many locations. Currently, some
people
Use synonyms
 state that the usage of smartphones is the same as smoking;
nevertheless
Linking Words
, from my perspective, it cannot be compared
due to
Linking Words
 the difference between them.
Thus
Linking Words
, I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 issue. There are various background why using a cell phone is not similar to smoking. First and foremost, using a mobile phone does not negatively impact
people
Use synonyms
 around,
otherwise
Linking Words
 smoking. Smoking causes smoke, which could negatively affect the environment and
people
Use synonyms
 around.
For instance
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who stand near a person who smokes will feel short of breath because of
inhale
Change the verb form
inhaling
show examples
 the smoke.
Second,
Linking Words
smoking
also
Linking Words
 provokes illness in the smoker; in the long term, most smokers will get lung problems,
such
Linking Words
 as pneumonia.
Hence
Linking Words
, smoking appears to be a bad habit. Another reason is that mobile phones offer numerous benefits and ease our daily activities.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, it allows us to communicate with
people
Use synonyms
, mainly with
people
Use synonyms
 who are far from us. Take me as an example, I text my cousin who is in the United Kingdom to ask each other how they are.
Afterward
Change the spelling
Afterwards
show examples
, the phone can be a thing to release our stress because of the application inside it. To illustrate, my brother likes to play a game after finishing his work.
As a result
Linking Words
, the usage of mobile phones leads to positive development.
To sum up
Linking Words
, I firmly believe that mobile phones are not the same as smoking, and should not be banned. So, I totally oppose the topic.
Submitted by zzahrinaamalia on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
It is important to ensure logical flow and coherence throughout your essay. Each paragraph should smoothly transition to the next with clear topic sentences and cohesive devices.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction should present the topic and your thesis clearly, while the conclusion should effectively summarise your argument without introducing new points.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that each main point you introduce is well-supported by relevant examples or evidence. Avoid making general statements without backing them up.
Task Achievement
Address all parts of the task directly, making sure that your position is relevant and clear throughout the essay. Your argument should be easy to follow, with a clear opinion that pertains to the specifics of the task.
Task Achievement
What to do next:
Look at other essays: