IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Smoking is widely recognised as being antisocial and is prohibited in many locations. Currently, some
people
Use synonyms
 state that the usage of smartphones is the same as smoking;
nevertheless
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, from my perspective, it cannot be compared
due to
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 the difference between them.
Thus
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, I strongly disagree with
this
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 issue. There are various background why using a cell phone is not similar to smoking. First and foremost, using a mobile phone does not negatively impact
people
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 around,
otherwise
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 smoking. Smoking causes smoke, which could negatively affect the environment and
people
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 around.
For instance
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,
people
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 who stand near a person who smokes will feel short of breath because of
inhale
Change the verb form
inhaling
show examples
 the smoke.
Second,
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smoking
also
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 provokes illness in the smoker; in the long term, most smokers will get lung problems,
such
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 as pneumonia.
Hence
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, smoking appears to be a bad habit. Another reason is that mobile phones offer numerous benefits and ease our daily activities.
To begin
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 with, it allows us to communicate with
people
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, mainly with
people
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 who are far from us. Take me as an example, I text my cousin who is in the United Kingdom to ask each other how they are.
Afterward
Change the spelling
Afterwards
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, the phone can be a thing to release our stress because of the application inside it. To illustrate, my brother likes to play a game after finishing his work.
As a result
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, the usage of mobile phones leads to positive development.
To sum up
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, I firmly believe that mobile phones are not the same as smoking, and should not be banned. So, I totally oppose the topic.

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Coherence & Cohesion
It is important to ensure logical flow and coherence throughout your essay. Each paragraph should smoothly transition to the next with clear topic sentences and cohesive devices.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction should present the topic and your thesis clearly, while the conclusion should effectively summarise your argument without introducing new points.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that each main point you introduce is well-supported by relevant examples or evidence. Avoid making general statements without backing them up.
Task Achievement
Address all parts of the task directly, making sure that your position is relevant and clear throughout the essay. Your argument should be easy to follow, with a clear opinion that pertains to the specifics of the task.
Task Achievement
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