IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some believe that the people and governments of several nations spend disproportionately on celebrating religious and cultural festivals. I disagree because for governments, such an expense is an investment which helps attract tourism and for individual citizens, it is quality time spent with their loved ones.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
National
celebrations
Use synonyms
, funded by governments, pay off through increased tourism revenue. A cultural experience through
celebrations
Use synonyms
 directly impacts the seasonality of tourism in a country. These tourists end up spending on hotels, restaurants, transportation and other related regional experiences.
This
Linking Words
 expenditure can make up for large portions of a country’s GDP, often easily recovering their initial investment. A classic example would be the government of Dubai spending millions of Dirhams on a
firework
Fix the agreement mistake
fireworks
show examples
 display on New
Years
Change to a genitive case
Year's
show examples
 Eve. These
celebrations
Use synonyms
 bring in millions of
people
Use synonyms
 from all over the world, who end up spending a lot of money on hotels, food, alcohol, shopping, and other experiences in Dubai. The event
also
Linking Words
 garners immeasurable media attention from around the world, which ensures
overall
Linking Words
 goodwill for future tourism. For citizens, national
celebrations
Use synonyms
 are the perfect opportunity to reconnect with friends and family. Time spent with loved ones is priceless. National
celebrations
Use synonyms
 provide an opportunity for
people
Use synonyms
 to reconnect with the
people
Use synonyms
 they love, building community and creating memories.
Peoples’
Change noun form
People’s
show examples
 expense on
such
Linking Words
 events usually indicates their willingness to buy time spent with family and
hence
Linking Words
 is a completely reasonable expense. In Ireland,
people
Use synonyms
 save money
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
 whole month of March for Saint Patrick’s Day
celebrations
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 involves, normally, spending a huge amount of money on alcohol, but many believe it is worth the cost considering they get to spend the whole day with friends and family. In conclusion, I disagree that too much is spent on national holidays because it gives governments a huge return on investment and it is the best opportunity for
people
Use synonyms
 to reconnect with their friends and family.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Consider adding a brief overview of your main points in the introduction to help guide the reader. This will strengthen your introduction and give a clear roadmap for your essay.
task achievement
In your conclusion, consider summarizing how the examples chosen directly support your main argument to enhance clarity and reinforce your point.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that all examples are seamlessly integrated into the paragraphs to maintain flow. For instance, link the example of Dubai’s New Year’s Eve fireworks more explicitly to the benefits you've outlined previously.
task achievement
The essay provides clear and relevant examples that support your argument effectively, particularly the examples of Dubai and Ireland which enhance the ideas presented.
coherence and cohesion
Your use of language is strong, with varied vocabulary and sentence structures that engage the reader.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: