IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays, more than 50
percent
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per cent
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 of working
people
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 have no
time
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 for any
activities
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 during working hours or have limited
time
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 for exercise.
Moreover
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,
people
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 in
this
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 group do not have
time
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 for exercise even when they are not working.
This
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 essay shows us where the
problem
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 is and what can be done about
this
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problem
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. I think it is quite a big
problem
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 for
employees
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, so
companies
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 can allow them
time
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 for some
activities
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 like yoga.
Firstly
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, nowadays the world is too hectic, so bosses do not want to give
employees
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time
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 for yoga during working hours. Some
people
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 do some
activities
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 even after
work
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.
However
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, they still do not have enough
time
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 for any
activities
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 because they have family or second jobs.
For example
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,
people
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 who
work
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 all day in the office do not have
time
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 for anything other than focusing on their
work
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.
Moreover
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,
companies
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 do not want to invest in a space where
employees
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 can do any
activities
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.
Secondly
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, managers or supervisors would start to focus more on the health problems of
employees
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,
such
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 as psychological problems or muscle problems.
Moreover
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, the government can provide them with an hour of yoga a day.
For example
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, some
companies
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 in Japan have realized that when
people
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 are happy and not tired, their
work
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 is more efficient and productive.
That is
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 why they give their
employees
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 an hour break for some
activities
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. In conclusion, we can say that
this
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 kind of
problem
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 affects almost every company. Whether the managers or bosses do not start paying attention to the health of the workers, all these
companies
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 will have a huge
problem
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 with productivity in the future.

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task achievement
Consider providing a clearer statement of the main problem in your introduction. While you mention that many workers do not have time for exercise, explicitly stating the consequence of this (health problems) can strengthen your introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to connect your ideas more fluidly. Some transitions between ideas could be smoother to enhance the logical flow of the essay. Use linking words or phrases to indicate relationships between points.
task achievement
When you provide examples, try to elaborate on them a bit more. For instance, when you mention the success of companies in Japan, you could include additional details about the specific activities or outcomes that resulted from allowing exercise breaks.
task achievement
You effectively identified the problem and provided suggestions for solutions, which is crucial to addressing the task requirements.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion nicely summarizes the main points and reiterates the significance of addressing the issue of employee health and productivity.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Time constraints
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Passive leisure activities
  • Workplace wellness programs
  • Active commuting
  • Subsidized
  • Public awareness
  • Health benefits
  • Incentivizing
  • Accessible public spaces
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