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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many children have become habit to about excessive mobile application day and night Why do you think this is so ? What parents can do to avoid this situation declining further?

In recent years,
due to
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 the advancement of technology, the concern
of
Change preposition
about
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 excessive usage of cell phones by
children
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 is increasing significantly among
parents
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. There are many reasons for
this
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 trend
such
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 as social media and a variety of online game platforms.
However
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,
this
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 issue can be mitigated by taking steps by schools
as well as
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parents
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 by counselling students and teaching them the negative effects of immoderate mobile use. One of the major uses of phones among
children
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 is because of the wide range of engaging content that appeals
them
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to them
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 to spend hours on tablets.
For example
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, in
this
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 modern world, the education system has developed rapidly leading to digital learning apps these applications keep
children
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 engaged for long periods.
Moreover
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, the social media trend is increasing at an alarming rate, instagram is one of them used by the majority of students to stay connected with their peers and relatives.
In addition
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, owing to poor climate conditions there is a decline in outdoor sports activities
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this
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 leads teenagers to turn on mobiles for entertainment.
Furthermore
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, if
parents
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 use cell phones
instead
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 of spending
time
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 with their young ones.
Consequently
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, their kids will feel isolated and in order to deal with
this
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 situation they would
be involve
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be involved
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 in excessive phone usage. To solve these problems,
parents
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 should take
initiative
Correct article usage
the initiative
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 as they are the child's first teacher.
Firstly
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, they must spend leisure
time
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 playing sports with their
children
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.
Additionally
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, schools can conduct awareness programs to educate youngsters about the effect of screens on eyes and study.
For instance
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, many schools do not give homework so that students' screen
time
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 can be reduced. In conclusion,
although
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 the advancement of mobile applications has many benefits as a variety
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of education
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education
Replace the word
educational
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 material, it can
also
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 have a significant effect on individuals' health.
As a result
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,
parents
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 should encourage their
children
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 to reduce screen
time
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.
Also
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, educational institutes can play a major role in alleviating the trend of uncontrolled tablet use.

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task achievement
Ensure all points are clearly explained and expanded upon. Some ideas could be more detailed to provide deeper insights.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the connection between paragraphs and ideas to enhance flow. Transition phrases could be more sophisticated.
task achievement
Strong introduction setting the context and addressing the issue clearly.
task achievement
Good use of relevant examples to support main points, such as social media and educational apps.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • proliferation
  • interactivity
  • engagement
  • peer pressure
  • social influence
  • urbanization
  • entertainment
  • occupy
  • habits
  • detrimental
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