IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The government should be responsible for providing retirees with financial support and care. While many people think that citizens should save money to take care of themselves when they are old. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There is no doubt that these days, the issue of financial
responsibility
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 for
retirees
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 is a common topic in many societies. The question is whether the
government
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 should
support
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 elderly
people
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 or
individuals
Correct word choice
whether individuals
show examples
 should save for their own future. In
this
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 essay, I am going to discuss both sides and give my opinion. In terms of the advantages of
government
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support
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, the main reason given to
support
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this
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 claim is that many
retirees
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 do not have enough savings to cover their living expenses. To illustrate, some elderly
people
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 face unexpected health issues or financial crises, making it difficult for them to survive without assistance.
In other words
Linking Words
,
government
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 programs can ensure that older citizens live with dignity and security.
As a result
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, providing financial care for
retirees
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 is often seen as a social
responsibility
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.
However
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,
on the other hand
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, there are arguments for encouraging
people
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 to save for their own retirement.
Firstly
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, it is believed that saving money throughout their working life teaches individuals
responsibility
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 and independence.
In other words
Linking Words
, relying on personal savings reduces the burden on
government
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 resources.
Secondly
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,
people
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 who manage their own funds may have more control over their lifestyle and financial choices.
This
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 is because they are not limited to
government
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 assistance.
Also
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, governments already face high costs in healthcare and education, making it difficult to
support
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 all
retirees
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 equally. In conclusion,
although
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government
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support
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 for
retirees
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 is important, I believe that individuals should
also
Linking Words
 take personal
responsibility
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 for their future.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe that a balanced approach is necessary, where both
government
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 aid and individual savings are encouraged. It is evident that securing a stable life for elderly
people
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 requires cooperation between citizens and the
government
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.

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coherence and cohesion
The essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, you could enhance the logical flow between ideas with more explicit linking phrases.
task achievement
While you clearly present both sides of the argument, providing a few more specific examples or evidence to support your points could help strengthen your argument and meet the task requirements more thoroughly.
task achievement
Consider elaborating on the potential consequences of insufficient savings or a lack of government support for retirees. This could add depth to your discussion.
content
The essay presents a balanced view of both perspectives and concludes with a clear opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your use of linking words and phrases, such as 'in conclusion' and 'on the other hand', contributes well to the overall coherence of your writing.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • government responsibility
  • financial support
  • care
  • retirees
  • personal responsibility
  • retirement planning
  • social security
  • pension
  • benefits
  • concerns
  • dependency
  • adequate savings
  • elderly citizens
  • burden
  • welfare system
  • poverty
  • social safety net
  • financial stability
  • public funds
  • sustainable
  • reliable
  • case study
  • Japan
  • Sweden
  • United States
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