IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

(XADA) Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

In recent years, it has become very common for
children
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 to spend several
hours
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 a day on their
smartphones
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.
This
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 is mainly
due to
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 easy access to digital content and the increasing role of technology in daily life. In
this
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essay
Change noun form
essay's
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 opinion,
this
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 is a negative development that can harm
children
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's physical and mental well-being. One major reason for
this
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 trend is that
smartphones
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 offer constant entertainment.
Children
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 can watch videos, play games, or use social media for
hours
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 without getting bored. In many households, parents are
also
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 busy or tired and allow their
children
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 to use phones as a way to keep them occupied, which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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children
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 even more attached to their devices .
However
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,
this
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 habit has many negative consequences.
Firstly
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, long
hours
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 on screens can lead to serious health issues,
such
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 as poor vision, sleep problems, and lack of physical activity.
Secondly
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, it reduces the time
children
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 spend on necessary
real life
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real-life
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experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
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, like playing outside, reading books, or interacting face-to-face with friends and family .
Lastly
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,
over use
Correct your spelling
overuse
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 of
smartphones
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 can
leads
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lead
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 to addiction and emotional problems, including anxiety and low self-esteem , especially if
children
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 are exposed to negative content online. In conclusion,
although
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smartphones
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 offer convenience and fun,
this
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 essay strongly believes that spending many
hours
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 on them daily is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
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 kids . Parents should set limits and encourage healthier activities to support their development

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Task Response
The introduction could be clearer by explicitly stating the negative aspects of smartphone usage in the thesis statement. Instead of saying 'this is a negative development' without specifics, consider elaborating on what specific issues arise from excessive smartphone use.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that there are no missing articles or punctuation errors such as 'which make children even more attached' should be corrected to 'which makes children even more attached.' Little grammar errors can distract readers from the main ideas.
Task Response
Try to provide specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, citing studies or statistics about screen time and its effects on health could enhance the credibility of your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
In the conclusion, rephrasing key points can help reinforce your argument. You can restate how the negatives outweigh the positives in a more impactful way.
Task Achievement
The essay presents a clear and relevant argument about the negative impacts of smartphone usage on children, which is well structured with distinct points.
Coherence and Cohesion
The paragraphs flow logically, and you have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps guide the reader through your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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