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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below illustrates the number of international students applying to unversities in a European country

The chart below illustrates the number of international students applying to unversities in a European country
The bar chart illustrates how many international
student
Change to a plural noun
students
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 from
China
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,
Japan
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, the
USA
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,and Russia applied to universities in a European country from 2004 to 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
number
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 of
applicants
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 from the
USA
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 and
Japan
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 rose to
varying
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vary
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 extents, with the most pronounced
increased
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increase
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was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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seen in
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USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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 from shy of 30000 to
a
Correct article usage
apply
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half, 15000,
whereas
Linking Words
 that of
China
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 declined drastically and figures for Russia
leveled
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levelled
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 off. It's
also
Linking Words
 noticeable that the
number
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 of
China
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 students surpassed that of
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USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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 from 2007 onwards to become the leading source of foreigners applying to
university
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universities
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 in European
country
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countries
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. Looking first at
China
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 and the
USA
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, the former began the period with the highest
number
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 of
applicants
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, at just under 30000 in 2004.
However
Linking Words
, Chinese
applicants
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 went down gradually from 2004 to 2008, so
China
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 lost the first place.
An
Correct article usage
The
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 opposite progression, the second contributor,
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USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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, started humbly with roughly 13000.
This
Linking Words
 figure increased consistently, matching Chinese
applicants
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jn
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in
 2006 with around 17000, afterwards overtook
China
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, and became the leading sender with the
number
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 of
applicants
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 equalled that of
China
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 in 2004. Turning to
Japan
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 and
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USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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, the former remained unchanged in
first
Correct article usage
the first
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 two years, at approximately 8000.
However
Linking Words
, in the next two years, there was a steady
increased
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increase
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 in
Japan
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 from 2004 to 2008,
reached
Wrong verb form
reaching
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 10000
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period.
Finally
Linking Words
, figures for Russia
were remained
Change to the active voice
remained
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 stable
throught
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throughout
through
 the period,
obscillated
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oscillated
oscillate
oscillates
 nearly 3000, and accounted for the lowest proportion of international
applicants
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.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words china, japan, usa, number, applicants with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "illustrates" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
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