IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the government should put a tax on unhealthy food to encourage people to eat food that is good for people's health. Do you agree or disagree?

People’s opinions differ on the necessity of levying on processed
food
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 to keep
consumers
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 away from convenience
food
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.
While
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 there is logic behind the idea, I still disagree with the mindset. It is true that if governing organs impose a tax on non-organic
food
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,
consumers
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’ purchase
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
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 could be nudged; a tax will increase the cost of stocking a product for grocery owners, who have to label a higher price tag on the product for retail. In fact, most shoppers are
budget conscious
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budget-conscious
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. When they notice that
a canned meat
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canned meat
a slice of canned meat
a lump of canned meat
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 is more expensive than fresh meat, they may reconsider their choice and opt for the latter
instead
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. In the long run,
consumers
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 will surely take in more natural
food
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, unintentionally dropping the intake of salt, sugar and other
food
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 additives.
As a result
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, people are less prone to hypertension, diabetes and other illnesses.
However
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, soliciting
for
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apply
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extra
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the extra
an extra
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 cost of convenience
food
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 from
consumers
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 might be judged as
intervention
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the intervention
an intervention
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of
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in
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 purchase freedom. Another consequence might
see
Verb problem
be
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processed
Add an article
the processed
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 industry being laid in unfair competition, which will cut salaries
even
Correct word choice
and even
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laid
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lie
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 staff off,
due to
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 diminishing profit.
On the other hand
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, I believe that
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 could choose other incentives for encouraging the public towards a healthy diet.
First,
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authorized nutrition institutions can collaborate with schools, advocating
heathy
Correct your spelling
healthy
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food
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 to students, who will advise their parents to purchase organic
food
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 for the benefit
for
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of
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 their body
health
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.
Second,
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legislators shall issue by-laws for fast
food
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 producers, who will be asked arbitrarily to list all unhealthy components and potential side effects on the package of products. In
this
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 way, a shopper can be well positioned to acknowledge all the cons and pros
about
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of
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a canned meat
Remove the article
canned meat
a slice of canned meat
a lump of canned meat
show examples
 before they swipe their credit cards. By instilling
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health conscience
Correct your spelling
health-conscious
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 habits
in
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at
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 a young age and revealing nutrition facts,
consumers
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 will be better positioned to opt for natural meals than industrialized
food
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 for the sake of body well-being. In conclusion, levying on unhealthy
food
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 could be both effective and controversial. I recommend
food
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health
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 education for children and mandatory information exposure by
food
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manufactories
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manufacturers
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 for better
health
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 for the public.

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task response
While your introduction states your disagreement, it would benefit from a clearer thesis statement that outlines your main arguments. This would help set the stage for the points you will make later.
task response
In the body paragraphs, ensure you clearly link your ideas to the main topic of encouraging healthy eating and elaborate further on how your suggested alternatives would work effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using more transitional phrases to improve the flow between your points and make your arguments more cohesive. For instance, phrases like 'Furthermore,' or 'In addition,' could enhance the connection between your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
In your conclusion, a brief summary of your key points could reinforce your argument. Rather than introducing entirely new ideas, focus on reiterating why your suggestions are preferable to a tax.
task achievement
You have clearly identified alternative solutions to a tax, which demonstrates critical thinking and creativity in your response.
task achievement
Your essay reflects a good understanding of the potential impacts of taxing unhealthy food, showing depth in your analysis.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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