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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that children should be home schooled when they are very young while others think it is better for them to attend a kindergarten. Discuss both sides and give your opinions.

There is no denying the fact that schools are significant for all
kids
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 to grow and learn some aspect of life.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that
kids
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 when they are younger should be at home with their families, there is
also
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 an argument that reckons it is the best way to develop our
kids
Use synonyms
 by enrolling a
kindergarten
Use synonyms
.
This
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 essay will analyse
this
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 topic from both points of view and express my opinion, On the one hand, some parents are very nervous about putting their children at preschool for several reasons.
In other words
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,
kindergarten
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 has a different category of society , even disrespectful people ,so they are afraid to imitate their behaviour.
In addition
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, not only parents are cautious but the
kids
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 are
also
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 afraid of the new environment and experience
this
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 phase.
For example
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, there is an article that says that" for
kids
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 from above 3 years, the better way to teach them at home with parents is by learning them about traditions and values.
On the other hand
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, plenty of families prefer their
kids
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 to attend a
kindergarten
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 ,especially employees because they do not have time or effort to teach them. It is
also
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 possible to say that
kindergarten
Use synonyms
 provides
kids
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 with a lot of entertainment activities
while
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 at the same time teaching their alphabet letters in order to talk and build trust to have a great conversation.
Moreover
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, some preschools are teaching them how to swim and give them an opportunity to develop basic skills.
For instance
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, they have opportunities to socialize with their friends from various backgrounds, build their sense of empathy, and learn about different cultures In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
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 question. On balance,
however
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, I tend to believe that entering our
kids
Use synonyms
 into a nursery school at a young age is crucial to developing their behaviour and comprehension.

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task achievement
The introduction clearly outlines the topic and your perspective, but consider rephrasing the thesis statement for clarity. Make sure to define 'home schooling' and 'kindergarten' more explicitly.
coherence
In the first body paragraph, you mention that 'kindergarten has a different category of society.' This sentence is ambiguous. Clarifying your point about societal influences would strengthen your argument.
coherence
Use a broader range of linking words (e.g., 'furthermore,' 'however') to enhance the flow between sentences and ideas.
coherence
To improve your conclusive paragraph, you could briefly summarise the key points made in the essay before stating your opinion. This would reinforce your argument and provide closure.
task achievement
You presented a balanced view of both arguments, which is commendable. This shows a good understanding of the topic and the ability to consider multiple perspectives.
coherence
Your essay structure is generally good, with clear paragraphs dedicated to each perspective.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • home schooling
  • personalized learning
  • curriculum
  • unique learning style
  • flexibility
  • socialization
  • early childhood development
  • interaction
  • cooperation
  • teamwork
  • social skills
  • structured environment
  • discipline
  • transition
  • formal education
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