IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013.

The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013.
The bar chart above illustrates the sales figures of the five leading mobile phone brands globally from 2009 to 2013.
Overall
Linking Words
, in 2009
NOKIA
Use synonyms
 showed the highest selling rates more than 400
million
Use synonyms
units
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
APPLE
Use synonyms
 had the lowest sales volume, less than 50
million
Use synonyms
units
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, in 2013,
SAMSUNG
Use synonyms
 had represented the biggest marketing ratio above 400
million
Use synonyms
units
Use synonyms
 and
Nokia
Use synonyms
 was dropping down dramatically.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
NOKIA
Use synonyms
 was the famous mobile phone company in 2009.
whereas
Linking Words
, it reached over 400
million
Use synonyms
units
Use synonyms
 sold. The second mobile phone brand was
SAMSUNG
Use synonyms
 with around 230
million
Use synonyms
. After that, LG phones hit about 100
million
Use synonyms
 items.
Also
Linking Words
, the two remaining companies were ZTE and
APPLE
Use synonyms
 they did not reach 100
million
Use synonyms
.
APPLE
Use synonyms
 was the lowest-selling company. In 2011,
NOKIA
Use synonyms
 was still steady in its position, but its market decreased a little.
While
Linking Words
SAMSUNG
Use synonyms
 showed highly increased sales. It was almost 320
million
Use synonyms
units
Use synonyms
. In the same year,
APPLE
Use synonyms
 was the third-selling company
also
Linking Words
 with LG about 100
million
Use synonyms
. ZTE remains the same number of market.
Finally
Linking Words
, in 2013,
SAMSUNG
Use synonyms
 was the best seller exceeding 400
million
Use synonyms
units
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
NOKIA
Use synonyms
 had a dramatic decline and sold just around 250
million
Use synonyms
.
APPLE
Use synonyms
 is present with noticed growth it
passes
Wrong verb form
has passed
show examples
 more than 100
million
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words nokia, million, units, apple, samsung with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "dramatically" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Global sales
  • Mobile phone brands
  • Market share
  • Trends
  • Growth
  • Decline
  • Technological advancements
  • Innovation
  • Consumer preferences
  • Demographics
  • Market dominance
  • Brand loyalty
  • Comparative analysis
  • Sales figures
  • Data interpretation
What to do next:
Look at other essays: