IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that governments should give financial support to creative asrts such as painters and musicians.Others believe that creative artists should be funded alternative sources. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays, there is a controversy surrounding whether imaginative
artists
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 should be financed by governments or they should be financially supported by other sources.
This
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 essay will discuss both views. Some individuals believe that the
government
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 should financially
support
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 skilled
artists
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. It is because of that art should not transform into a commercial good in their beliefs.
Furthermore
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, If
artists
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 only focus on their interests without any financial problems, they can create unique and unimaginable outputs, even if people do not pay sufficient attention to their work at the time. It is said,
for instance
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, that some valuable paintings painted by Kamal-ol-Molk (an Iranian painter) were never accepted by the public at that time,
while
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 he could keep on painting only because of royal financial
support
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.
On the other hand
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, there are some people arguing that artistic activities and products should funded by other means. So, they believe that,
firstly
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, if
artists
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 rely on governmental powers, they cannot represent their real beliefs and they might have to only admire the current
government
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.
Secondly
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, they say compared to the past, nowadays there are more ways for the interests of an artistic product to
support
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 their favourite
artists
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 financially from different countries. So by
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 new methods,
artists
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 are needless to the
government
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.
For example
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, nowadays an Indian fan of Nanci (an Arabic singer) can
support
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 her through YouTube which was impossible in the past. In conclusion, notwithstanding the development of new methods for supporting an artist, and
also
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 some concerns about the dependence of
artists
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 on the
government
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, I believe that the
government
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 should
support
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artists
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.
That is
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 why art should not change to a business.

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task achievement
While your introduction clearly states the topic and outlines the essay, try to make your thesis statement more specific about your own opinion. This will help the reader understand your stance right from the beginning.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates back to the thesis. This strengthens the argument and improves the essay's overall coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences could be rephrased for clarity. For example, the phrase 'by other means' could be more specific about what those means are. Additionally, pay attention to grammar and punctuation, especially in compound sentences, for smoother reading.
task achievement
Try to provide more detailed examples to support your points. While the example of Kamal-ol-Molk is strong, the example about Nanci lacks depth and specificity. Providing more context can strengthen the argument.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both views of the topic, which is important for a balanced discussion. This shows a good understanding of the task.
task achievement
You have provided specific examples which add depth to your argument, particularly with the historical reference to Kamal-ol-Molk, showcasing the value of supporting artists.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which enhances its overall coherence.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial support
  • creative arts
  • painters
  • musicians
  • commercially viable
  • cultural heritage
  • national pride
  • artistic integrity
  • private patrons
  • crowdfunding
  • innovation
  • diverse range
  • bureaucracy
  • political influence
  • creative expression
  • stifling creativity
  • stability
  • creative freedom
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