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Band 6

In many countries, young people are choosing to study or work abroad. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
Nowadays, many youngsters prefer to
study
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also
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work
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 abroad.
While
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this
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 approach may have some downsides, I strongly believe that it opens a
lot
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 of opportunities to young people.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there might be several disadvantages of going to
study
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 or
work
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 abroad, but the major drawback is homesickness. To clarify, when young people go to a foreign country, they might struggle with language barriers, food, traditions, and a new lifestyle. All of them can lead to homesickness. Another negative point is financial problems. It is no secret that studying abroad costs a
lot
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,
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;
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 they need to pay for their tuition, accommodation
as well
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as
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and
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 healthcare.
As a result
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, they may need a loan or
work
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 part-time, which increases pressure. For these reasons, it can be a negative approach to
study
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 and
work
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 abroad.
Body paragraph 2
Despite these drawbacks, the advantages of working and studying abroad are numerous.
Firstly
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, it opens a
lot
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 of doors
to
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for
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 youngsters, as they can be taught by intelligent professors with international experience.
For example
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, if they
study
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 at Oxford, they can gain knowledge from professors who are highly skilled in their subject and obtain a diploma that increases their chances of getting a great job. The second benefit is that they can earn a large amount of money if they have a well-paid job.
For instance
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, working at Google
company
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apply
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gives them a large sum of minimum $100 000 and maximum $600 000.
As a consequence
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, they can offer them to travel around the world 3 or 4 times every year and a
lot
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 of things like that.
Therefore
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, for these reasons, it can be highly beneficial.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 there are some disadvantages like homesickness, personally I think that the benefits clearly outweigh them as they can gain knowledge from smart teachers, a great salary and travel abroad.

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grammar
Fix grammar and break long lines. For example, use 'study or work abroad' instead of 'study also work abroad'.
development
Make ideas clearer and more even. Do not rely on one place to prove a point; use fair examples and explain.
coherence
Use clear links between ideas. Begin each paragraph with a main idea and connect sentences with simple link words.
task response
Clear stance that the benefits can exceed the drawbacks.
coherence
Good layout: intro, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
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