IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Nowadays, many animal species are becoming extinct. Some people believe that countries and individuals must solve this problem, others believe that humans being are more important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Presently, some would argue that authorities conserve endangered kinds of animals,
while
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 others believe that society's needs are much more essential.
While
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 safeguarding natural habitats is beneficial for sustainability, I believe that it is better to fulfil human financial needs. On one hand, It must be acknowledged that nature preservation is imperative for ecological balance. Several types of animals have vanished. Some rare species were hunted randomly by hunters just for fun.
Additionally
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, countries with natural forests can invest by attracting tourists to nature-made parks.
For example
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, Costa Rica and Kenya have around ten- thousand visitors every year to explore their jungles.
However
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, in my perspective, An individual basic life needs must not be compromised with animal life.
On the other hand
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, the fact that citizens needed much more subsidies from the government in the
last
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 decades, especially after the COVID-19 attack a few years ago. The crisis during the quarantine era generated an enormous number of unemployment. People had lost their jobs, employees were unable to maintain a sustainable income.
Furthermore
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, company closure led to salaries cut- down, and individuals were incapable of purchasing goods.
For example
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, a study conducted at KFU illustrated that 60% of employees had lost their jobs in 2020 and a rise in unemployment arrow was presented.
Thus
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, cities must address critical societal issues, rather than animal conservation. In conclusion, though governments tend to spend their major share of resources to protect wildlife,
this
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 essay established convincingly that prioritising public funds for helping people gain the necessary financial security is much more rewarding in the long run.

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Task Achievement
The introduction could be clearer by explicitly stating your thesis at the end. Try to include both sides of the argument before introducing your opinion more distinctly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your paragraphs generally follow a logical structure, but ensure that each point is fully developed and clearly ties back to the main argument. Consider more transitions between sentences and ideas to enhance flow.
Task Achievement
Include specific examples or data for both sides of the argument to strengthen your points further. The example about Costa Rica and Kenya is good but try to detail how these examples directly relate to your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay presents a clear understanding of the two sides of the argument regarding animal conservation versus societal needs.
Task Achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your argument, which is a good practice in essay writing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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