IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The rise of platforms like YouTube and Instagram has led many young people to spend significant amounts of time online, sometimes at the expense of their academic responsibilities. What are the consequences of this problem, and what measures can be taken to address it? Provide reasons for your answer and give relevant examples from your own experience and knowledge. Responses must be given on the Writing Answer Sheet.

Since the Internet became known to the general public in the early 1990s, youngsters have been spending significant amounts of time online on the growth of
platforms
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 like YouTube and Instagram. In
this
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 essay, I will look into the problems on
this
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 matter in detail, and
then
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 propose some solutions. One of the main and obvious problems of the use of
platforms
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' effect on young people is that it provides a lack of focus on studies or lessons.
In other words
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, youth, especially teenagers, may find concentration on studies difficult.
For example
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, in accordance with some statistics, 80% of minors in Tashkent, which is the capital of Uzbekistan, are struggling to focus on their academic responsibilities
due to
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 the growth of
platforms
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.
This
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 may lead to addiction to apps
such
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 as Instagram, YouTube and Facebook in the future. To tackle
this
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 issue, the government needs to organize some events, like learning foreign languages or sports festivals. Another major problem
of
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with
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 the
platforms
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 is that they can lead to some serious diseases, like diabetes and sleeplessness.
That is
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 to say, young people, who spend a lot of time surfing the internet, are suffering from lack of sleep.
For instance
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, in many parts of the world, a disease called insomnia is conquering the world because of the rise of apps.
This
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 tends to minors become the sufferers of insomnia.
Also
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, Sleeplessness leads to the reduction of problem-solving skills and critical-thinking skills. The way forward could be to encourage youth to use the
platforms
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 in a true and academic way By the way of conclusion, it seems to me that the use of
platforms
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 has a negative effect on young people as it leads to addiction to gadgets, like phones or laptops and some serious diseases. I believe that the solution
for
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to
show examples
this
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 matter lies with the government and parents.

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task achievement
The introduction provides a clear overview of the essay, but it could benefit from a more direct thesis statement outlining the two main areas you will discuss (problems and solutions). Consider revising it to clearly state your argument or position on the issue.
coherence and cohesion
While your paragraphs are generally structured, some sentences could be rephrased for better clarity and flow. For example, consider using transition words more effectively at the beginning of paragraphs to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples, but they could be expanded or made more specific to strengthen your arguments. For instance, when mentioning statistics, briefly discuss how they were gathered to add credibility.
task achievement
The use of relevant examples, like the statistic about Tashkent, helps to support your points and demonstrates an understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You identified significant negative effects of excessive online activity, which shows critical thinking regarding the consequences of social media platforms.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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