IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some students opt to work or travel after finishing school and before entering university. However, many argue that work experience is more beneficial in adult life compared to traveling. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Whether students taking a gap year to expose themselves to the world or working
experiences
Use synonyms
 plays a pivotal role in their adulthood bears some consideration. It is the firm opinion of the writer that it is better to travel around rather than
depending
Wrong verb form
depend
show examples
 on having an experience by working
due to
Linking Words
 its
job
Use synonyms
 equality, an open-minded mindset about the world and nurturing their passion. It must be acknowledged that gaining
Use synonyms
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
 through working will not ensure
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 future
job
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
, indoor experience is only suitable for intermediate
Use synonyms
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 as those who rely on previous exposure to the
job
Use synonyms
along with
Linking Words
 do not require any achievements.
As a consequence
Linking Words
,
individuals
Use synonyms
have
Correct pronoun usage
who have
show examples
 the hang of working
experiences
Use synonyms
 will be offered less
renumeration
Correct your spelling
remuneration
show examples
 and sometimes those jobs with longer shifts may have
lower
Add an article
a lower
show examples
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
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and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
lead
Replace the word
leading
show examples
 workers to cope with
financial
Add an article
the financial
a financial
show examples
burden
Fix the agreement mistake
burdens
show examples
.
Hence
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 trend is an unadvisable course of action. Another worth mentioning point is that globetrotting,
the
Add a missing verb
is the
show examples
 reason
making
Verb problem
apply
show examples
individuals
Use synonyms
 become so accomplished in life. To be more specific, as long as they are willing to travel around so often, they will eventually succeed in opening their social circle and having a deep understanding
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 different cultures.
As a result
Linking Words
, these
individuals
Use synonyms
 are likely to be more successful through relationships and
their
Change the pronoun
the
show examples
 cognitive thinking that they have mastered through journeys.
Other factor
Change the wording
Another factor
Other factors
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must
Correct pronoun usage
that must
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 be considered is that a year off would be the time for
individuals
Use synonyms
 to utilise their freedom.
This
Linking Words
 is because they take
this
Linking Words
 golden period to try new
experiences
Use synonyms
 and nourish their strengths. If they are willing to learn, they will ramp up their competitiveness and acquire valuable traits that
vital
Add a missing verb
are vital
show examples
 for getting a
greater
Correct word choice
better
show examples
job
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
job
Use synonyms
 equality, exposure and passion are the reasons why travelling
worth
Add a missing verb
is worth
show examples
to choose
Change the verb form
choosing
show examples
.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Clarify your main arguments in the introduction for better understanding. Make sure that each paragraph clearly supports your position, and consider linking points more effectively between paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your points are supported with more specific examples or evidence to strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
Task Achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion on the topic, demonstrating a strong stance regarding the benefits of traveling over working.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction sets a good tone for the essay and outlines the reasons that will be discussed, which is a positive aspect of coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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