IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

In many parts of the world, there is a tendency for life expectancy to increase. Some argue that
this
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 circumstance presents issues for governments,
while
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 others think that the elderly are beneficial to society.
This
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 essay will argue that wisdom and experience outweigh concerns about the cost of
pensions
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.
To begin
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 with, one of the lessons that
people
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 can learn from the elderly is wisdom. Since persons of advanced age are considered to be wise,
people
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 often ask them for advice in life.
For instance
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, families often look up to their grandparents when facing difficulties in life. Another advantage is that senior citizens already have much experience,
such
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 as work experience. Many young
people
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, who are newcomers in the work industry, often make repetitive mistakes, leading them to struggle in their career paths. Avoiding
this
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 can be done by asking
advice
Change preposition
for advice
show examples
 from the elderly;
thus
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, they will be more conscious about making the same mistakes over and over again. The main drawback of having an elderly population is the cost of
pensions
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, often considered a
government
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 burden. Some individuals might think that by giving
pensions
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 to the elderly, other sectors will lack
budget
Add an article
the budget
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, which makes it impossible for the
government
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 to effectively execute prioritized programs.
Although
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pensions
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 may require more budget, engaging the private sector can be implemented to subsidize the budget. Many insurance companies often target the elderly to invest in their companies.
Therefore
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, by collaborating with these companies, the
government
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 can benefit from long-term investments, and the elderly can
also
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 receive their retirement funds regularly. In conclusion, the benefits of having elderly
people
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 in a society, including insights and practical knowledge, outweigh the drawbacks of pension budgets, since investments in elderly
pensions
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 can bring long-term benefits to the
government
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.

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task achievement
Your ideas are clear, but you could explain them a bit more to make them stronger. Try to give more examples.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to connect your sentences and paragraphs better. Use linking words like 'firstly', 'also', and 'in conclusion' to help the reader follow your ideas.
task achievement
You presented a clear argument about benefits and drawbacks.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well structured.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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